“Good God, WHY?!” you ask?

My brother and his family is in Indianapolis, and he is getting a promotion. He is in the army, and he’s taking over the command of a brigade. I have no idea what that means, but I am suitably impressed! Anyway, my folks are flying in for it, and really, considering the fact that 90% of my family is really REALLY far away, a 10-12 hour drive like this seems like a bargain. Usually to see my side of the family, we have to spend either thousands of dollars in plane tickets/hotel/rental cars or drive for 2 days (and that’s LONG days – if we take our time it’s like 3-4 days!).

So.. yeah, We’re going to Indianapolis! I thought about going alone, but a chance for the kids to see cousins AND grandparents.. the more I thought about it, the more sense it made. Plus, it’s cheaper to drive, so done! James can’t come because he has a project due for school Sunday.

We are going to leave Thursday right after school, which means there is precious little time to do all the things that need doing. Today I got new tires, because my old ones were nearly bald. I got Ethan new dress clothes over the weekend (including shoes) and took him to get his hair cut. I am getting my hair done tomorrow (hello 1 inch roots!) I need to find my video ipod and load it up with movies – i just use it to plug into the car dvd player. Easier than actually taking DVDS.

Tomorrow is going to be crazy. We have a meeting at Ethan’s school, an appointment for Ethan at the shrink, kindergarten registration for Jocelyn, I’m getting my hair done, Jocelyn’s first soccer practice of the year (oh, and I’m the team manager again!) and Ethan’s first t-ball practice of the year — oh, and I’m going to still try to get a full 8 hours of work in because I don’t want to have to take too much time off. I will likely be working late tonight though to make up for some of it.

And I have to pack to leave the next day.

ROADTRIIIIIIIP!

-amy

Ethan had probably the worst 2 weeks of 1st grade.

But let me back up. I haven’t given any Ethan updates in a while. James and I met with the school folks a few weeks ago for the outcome of the child study/big bout of testing. In November, they mentioned the possibility of Asberger’s, but it has been ruled out (for now). The rest of the various results showed (and this is just me remembering, with nothing in front of me) normal results, with elevated results in attention/focus, issues with social interactions, and a high need for sensory interaction. Academically, he is on grade level for everything, including reading (which he was below grade level on earlier in the year), and below grade level for writing. Writing seems to be the time when he gives attitude to his teacher. Most students are writing 5 sentences, where she will accept 3 from Ethan. Sometimes, he will only do one.

At the end of the meeting, we agreed that the issues he is having is hindering his education, and thus, he qualified for special education. They assured us that he would stay in his classroom and that “special ed” is nothing like it was in our day. They also noted that while he was in the ‘average’ range in all of the IQ tests, his inattention and wiggliness may have affected the results to be lower than in actuality. In the vocabulary tests, he scored in the very high range, which for kids, can be a better indicator of IQ. We will probably be looking into the gifted program as well.

Mostly, I am SO GRATEFUL that we have such a great school, with kind, caring administration and teachers. They all commented on what a special guy Ethan is, and in everything they said and did, showed me that they want the best for Ethan and his education. We have a meeting this coming week to develop a specialized education program for him.

We had met with the new psychiatrist, and I guess in my mind, I thought he’d start weekly sessions and work through this stubborn/angry/borderline behavior, but we went over everythign that’s going on, and all the steps we’ve taken so far. He said that the group class is probably the best thing for him and this is a process that will probably take years for him to work through. He said that it will mostly be him learning the hard way, that when you treat people/friends a certain way it doesn’t work to your advantage. He said that since Ethan is a smart kid, it may be quicker for him to catch on. He gave us some information on ADHD medication – it’s been around for 60 years, and works by increasing bloodflow to the part of the brain that handles organization, etc. (I am probably getting this wrong, so keep that in mind!) I said I didn’t think we were quite there yet, and he suggested if we weren’t seeing any improvement in 3-4 months, then it’d be a good time to revisit it.

So the week we met with the shrink, Ethan’s behavior went down the crapper. He was not doing super good before, but suddenly, it just sucked. He was not doing his work, being super defensive and aggressive when asked to do things, handing in BLANK assignments, antagonizing other kids. Ugh. The vice principal took him out of the class to walk around and cool down, and he threw his library books over a railing and ran away from her. These past two weeks have been pretty hard on James and I. It sucks to be in a pretty good mood on your way home, and then get the email from the teacher about how he tried to turn in a writing assignment COMPLETELY BLANK and then sassed his teacher when she tried to give it back to him to do. Then I would pick Ethan up and have to deal with his total shut-out-everyone because he’s so pissy (because of the consequences he has at home for not getting a “green” at school). It’s very hard to keep your patience up and keep your cool when your 6 year old is talking like a sullen teenager, or refusing to talk at all while he sits alone behind the couch. Generally, after he cools down, he does better, but even then when you try to talk about what happened, it can throw him back into this angry defensive mood again.

Pretty soon we were living each day dreading the news from school, feeling sick to our stomachs all the time, and feeling HELPLESS. What more could we do? Not much. I halfway joked that this whole situation was going to drive ME to medication, let alone him. My back has been killing me, I got sick and missed a day of work, James has been stressed out with all of this, plus midterms, papers to write, and projects to complete.

Social Achiever’s was abysmal. Kicking. Whispering to other kids to shut up. Getting in other people’s personal space. Giving attitude to the counselers. The conversation with the counselor afterward was laughable, but it was very telling. She let me know all the issues they had with him in class and I told the counselor he had a terrible week at school as well.

She suggested we coordinate with the teacher to use some sort of system when he does good or not.
I told her we were already doing that.

She suggested maybe some sort of immediate reward for good behavior.
I told her we were already doing that and explained the system they were doing in class for him.

She suggested contact with the teacher every day.
I told her we were doing that and that I was feeling very discouraged and I just didn’t know what else we COULD do.

She reassured me, and said she would like to have some psychological testing done so she could make some recommendations on what steps to take next. She didn’t feel comfortable giving any recommendations without seeing results, which would give a general look at his outlook.
I told her we had already done that in the round of testing from the school and we agreed I’d send her the results and she’d call me with ideas.

I had called the psychiatrist and told him of all this new trouble we were having and he suggested starting Zoloft, which would help keep him from having such dramatic mood swings. I had called still hoping I guess for .. well, a miracle, I guess. Weekly sessions that would miraculous suddenly get through to him and turn off the sullen teenager switch! Disappointed, I thanked him and said we weren’t quite there yet.

After I sent the test results to the group counselor, James and I both got on the line and called to hear what suggestions she had. She also suggested a mood stabilizer. She said that once he was a bit more on an even keel and able to keep his emotions from getting the better of him, he would be in a better position to get more out of the social achiever’s class.

There was more to the discussion but that’s about what it boiled down to. After James and I hung up with her, I cried. James was on board with the medication when the doctor had suggested it, but after talking to the counselor, I had to get on board too. They both had suggested it unbeknownst of each other, and honestly, it made a lot of sense to me. The more I thought about it, the better I felt.

Not only is Zoloft a mood stabilizer, but it is anti-anxiety medication, which I am sure he has. I think he is very anxious about failing at writing, which is why he is refusing to do his writing assignments at school. I know he gets anxious about reading still as well, even though we try to keep it as light-hearted and easy going as possible. Just yesterday, he mentioned how he is nervous meeting new kids and commented on how he wished it was as easy for him as it seems to be for Jocelyn. I think he is anxious of being rejected by other kids, which is why he acts FIRST – on the defensive and aggressive. I’ve always thought that is has been kind of a “i’ll hurt them before they can hurt me” sort of a thing.

A part of me is wondering why a mood stabilizer seems “better” .. or perhaps, “more acceptable” is a better way to put it, than ADHD medication in my mind. Maybe it’s because I have more personal experience with friends and family needing antidepressants, or more likely, it’s probably because of the “press” or “word of mouth” bad rap ADHD meds have, which I obviously have taken to heart. I spoke to some family who has 2 of their kids on ADHD medication and have seen great results. I just want to make sure we need to, before we take that step.

So to cut a too long story short (TOO LATE!), we’ve started Ethan on Zoloft. It’s been 3 days now at a low dose. I’ve heard that sometimes you can see some improvement right away, and I’ve also heard that it takes 2-3 weeks to really start working. I don’t know if I’m just imagining it or not, but I think he has been a little less apt to fly off the handle.

We’ve talked to him a bit about it and said that it is to help him not get quite so angry. His very first response was, “HOW can MEDICINE help THAT???!?” in disbelief. James told him that it for the brain. Today on the way home from Target he asked me again, “Why am I taking medicine?”

“Well, it’s to help you with anger, and I think that if you’re not getting as angry, then it can help you with that then I think it’ll be easier for you to be polite and respectful and use a bit more self discipline.”

“I think it’s working. Well, I dunno, but maybe. I think my brain thinks it is.”

I have no idea what to read into this response, but I’m glad he doesn’t feel weird or strange.

I’m nervous posting this. I know some people I care about a lot, friends and family alike, who disagree with giving medicine to these precious growing bodies. All I can say is, I really believe we’ve explored every avenue, and this is the right choice for our precious growing boy.

-amy

He was in the courtyard right behind ours doing just fine. In fact, he’s been doing just fine for a while now. Before christmas, I would definitely have been outside “hovering” just to make sure everything was going OK, to be present in case anything needed moderating. When friends are over at our house playing, I used to hover, for the same reasons. But it seems more and more that there is less and less of a need to “hover”.

If you’ve read any of the Ilg and Ames books on child development (I recommend them ALL, they are AWESOME), you know that they talk about the cyclical nature of developmental milestones, and how a child will go through cycles of equilibrium, and unequilibrium. The unequilibrium can be anything from your dextrous kid suddenly being a butterfingers or clumsy, which may happen before a new developmental milestone is achieved. It can be social as well. At the beginning of the year when we started having all these issues with Ethan I rushed out and bought the 6-year-old book, which helped me realize that 6 can be a tricky year, even if your kid is NOT having issues. The actual title of the book: “Your 6-year-old, Loving and Defiant.” Ha. Loving AND DEFIANT. It’s not just my kid! It can be a year where they test their boundaries and see what they can really get away with. It is a year where they really start to see themselves as separate from Mom and Dad, and the need to please Mom and Dad is nowhere near as strong as it was at Five.

When we met with the psychologist who gaves us the dreaded ADHD diagnosis, I couldn’t help thinking that even though we got the results of the test in early January, the test itself was administered in the THICK of the problems we were having, all the way back in early November. Thoughts I thunk and expressed at that meeting, “But he’s doing so much better now. Could he have just been having a bad day? Or a bad month?”

I think that it was naive of me to think of it as a bad day – we KNOW it wasn’t just a bad day, it was a bad 6 months! But now, we’re heading in to February and looking back at January, he really has made a marked improvement. He seems to have gained the ability to listen and change his attitude when asked (OK, when threatened! usually with loss of allowance!) We have had one bad incident where he would not listen and had to be put in his room, where he threw things, so I don’t want to discount that ugliness, but more and more, and especially after yesterday when he played with neighbor kids so well, I have to wonder, Was he just having a bad six months? A REALLY bad six months? Could we be reaching the end of the unequilibrium and heading into equilibrium? I also don’t want to discount the help that his Social Achiever’s class have given him. I have no idea if it’s helped, but hopefully it has.

I’m not saying that I’m just tossing the ADHD diagnosis out. But I do think the test itself is very subjective, and as things stand now, I am definitely in the “let’s wait and see” camp.

I must say it’s a pleasant place to be. Tomorrow we meet with the new psychiatrist, and I’ll be happy to tell her we’ve really been doing pretty well lately. And that hopefully we won’t need to see her much

-amy

This has been rattling around in my head for a week or so. Let’s see if I can get it out in some sort of concise manner.

When you’re a teenager, well probably long before that, but let’s go with this for now shall we? Jeez. quit interupting and just let me get this out already!

Ahem.

When you’re a teenager, you are very aware of what others are thinking, what they’re wearing, what they’re doing, what they’re eating, what they like, what they don’t like, what they might think of you, whether you’re cool, whether you’re not cool, etc.

So you start to really pay attention to your own behavior, clothes, habits, etc. You monitor everything you do so as not to be deemed uncool. Thus is your entry into the world of adulthood, constantly monitoring, choosing, judging both yourself and others, on whether they or you are “cool”. This goes on pretty much forever, in what we call “society.”

So you are going along, constantly monitoring your own social acceptance levels all the way into adulthood, then you find that special someone. You and the special someone waggle your eyes at each other. SEXY! Suddenly, you get all busy and then BAM! 9 months later you are PARENTS. Sure, you may have planned this all out. But even if you didn’t, you had 9 months to mentally prepare yourself for this thing called parenthood. I can totally do this, you think. I’m hip! I’m one cool chick/dude! I’ll be the awesomest mom/dad out there! Bring it! Wooo! Babies!

So then you have this tiny little mewling infant who demands constant attention, needs to be fed constantly, poops on you, barfs on you, won’t let you sleep, and has you completely wrapped around your little finger.

The constant demands on your attention, coupled with the lack of sleep, have completely stolen away any sense of cool you may have had. Cool is suddenly, not nearly as high a priority as it once was. Managing to brush your teeth before noon? If you can manage it, AND a baby wipe bath (because let’s face it, not showering has made that baby spew that went down your shirt really start to smell rank) is just about the highlight of your day.

So the cool – totally gone. But even at this stage, you still know what cool IS. You are still TOTALLY cool! You are just… caught at a bad time, right? It’s not like you would GO OUT INTO THE WORLD like this!! OK, yes, there was that one time where you HAD to run to the store and didn’t notice that you were wearing sweats, flip flops and a t-shirt that says, “I PUT OUT!” with a happy fire extinguisher on it* and spit-up all down the back, but that was EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES! You were out of DIAPERS! You still totally know what cool was, and once you could get a decent 6 hours of sleep (ALL IN A ROW!) you might be able to function at a normal level of cool! Really! Someone should just put, “There are extenuating circumstances for this outfit!” on a t-shirt and all would be well. The world will excuse you, right? And if not, well fuck them, you have a new baby.

* James is actually wearing this shirt right now, minus the baby spew.

And time goes by! And you do get those six hours all lined up in a row (which totally helps one to feel like an actual human being again, forget about the cool!) and you can start to function normally again and even manage to give yourself a good once over before leaving the house to make sure there’s no snot, vomit, spit up or poop anywhere in sight! This is a positive step!

And it’s true that once you get over that initial ‘new baby’ hump, you do largely return to your cool, hip self, (albeit with a new infant, you emerge like a bear blinking in the sun to a strange and totally new and beautiful world, but we’re focusing on the cool thing in this post, so I won’t go into that). But that is where you are WRONG. You have lost your cool. It’s subtle, but it’s THERE.

You are walking down the store aisles keeping a constant stream of one sided conversation up with your infant kid because of course you know that hearing YOU talk is how SHE learns to talk and yes, you did feel silly in the beginning but now you don’t even notice the people looking at you strangely as you ask Jocelina-Beena if you should get daddy some chocolate syrup or not. “Yes! We should,” you say, totally oblivious to HOW UNCOOL YOU ARE AT THIS MOMENT, “You’re so right cutie patootie! Let’s get daddy some chocolate ice cream too! Ooh, and let’s not forget Mommy’s bottle of wine, oh no!” You continue this banter as the only response you get from baby is the occasional spit bubble.

And it continues as baby gets bigger. You do the weirdest, UNCOOLEST stuff ever. Everyone knows that it is totally uncool to be super enthusiastic about ANYTHING. Cool is nothing but the epitome of blase. Cool is never, “AWESOME!” Cool is always laid back, “It’s all good.” This however, dosn’t fly with the toddler set.

“WOWEE! LOOK AT THE TRAIN!”
“YOU’RE RIGHT, YOU CAN DO IT ALL BY YOURSELF!”
“AN AIRPLANE! I MAY FALL OVER FROM THE SHEER EXCITEMENT OF IT ALL!”
“LOOK AT THAT! YOU PEED IN THE POTTY!”
“DID YOU DRAW THIS FOR ME??!! PERFECTION! A TRIUMPH! BEST SCRIBBLE EVER! I GIVE IT FIVE STARS!!”

Even as they get older, and grow out of the need for this over exuberance, it’s hard for you to let it go. I mean, after all these years, you’re allowed to show excitement about things that really ARE cool and exciting to you! What fun! You’re not about to give that up! Trains ARE exciting dammit! And that drawing baby made you make for her of a mermaid? It’s awesome! There’s nothing wrong with being proud of that! Screw cool! And you are finally allowed to take pride and show some enthusiasm in your hobbies and accomplishments! You know how long it’s been since that was allowed? Since YOU were a kid! It’s been a long time, so why not relish it?

“LOOK AT THIS BUNNY I MADE! ISN’T IT THE CUTEST THING YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE??!”

And that’s it. It’s all downhill from there. You find yourself singing along to all the Little People, Laurie Berkner, and They Might Be Giants (kid) songs, even figuring out a counter-point melody to sing against “I’ve Been Working On The Railroad” –even LOOKING FORWARD to the “Teddy Bear Picnic” song. You start to do funny voices for all the different characters in the stories you read to your child, and you even kind of enjoy settling in for a nice game of “Barbie goes to the ball… in this MONSTER TRUCK!!” (yes, this is the kind of thing you do when you have both son and daughter). You let your daughter put piggy tails all over your head. You let your son jump on you even if it means you might get a knee to the nads. You become THAT PARENT who calmly, even serenely continues their shopping even though they have a child screaming bloody murder in the shopping cart.

Let’s face it. Even if you are OUTWARDLY cool… your kid is closer to you then the rest of the world. Your kid SEES all this uncoolness. And what’s more, when they are little, they need it. They CRAVE it. You really are not being a very good parent if you tell your kid that no, you won’t draw her a mermaid because it just wouldn’t be COOL, right? They need it, and you give it, but it will bite you in the ass later, because they ABSORB IT ALL IN ALL IT’S UNCOOL GOOEYNESS!

And then your kids grow up.

And they LEARN about what it is to be cool.

And they remember their childhood and all those uncool things you did. Admit it. You did a LOT of uncool things. Those imitations of Tom Cruise sliding across the wood floor singing into a hairbrush? You thought it was cool, and at the time, it made you the best daddy in the world.

But now they know. They’re on to you. You are SO not cool.

And you have to admit… they’ve got a point. But it doesn’t matter at this point, because you’ve learned that coolness just isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. It’s way cooler to be uncool, baby!

So go ahead. Be uncool. OWN it baby! You NEED to be uncool! Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when your 14 year old rolls her eyes and asks you to drop her off a block away from the school so she won’t be seen with you. She’s totally right. She’s got years of memories of the total uncoolness that is you.

But don’t worry. With a bit of luck, after an appropriate amount of time, she’ll find someone special and they’ll start waggling their eyes at each other, and before she knows it, she’ll have lost her cool to the world of baby spew.

And you’ll get to spoil her subsequent children tell them they can have ANYTHING they want, feed them stuff that’s bad for them and then send them back to her uncool ass just before they crash from the sugar high!

So it all comes out OK in the end!