Mar 01 2006

Word Challenge: Sorrow

Published by at 9:40 am under amy's head,challenge,kids

Read about the Word Challenge.

I talk all big about being happy going to work, but there is a part of me that just kills when I don’t get to see my kids for hours every day. We get home around 5:30-6pm each day, and we head up for bed between 7-7:15, so you can see that that doesn’t leave a lot of time, especially since you have fix and eat dinner in there also.

Ethan started full time preschool when his school started back in September. I had decided to go back to work and was desparately flailing around for a job in time for Ethan to start full time, rather than part time 3x a week. I knew that it would be better if he started school the way it was going to be all the time, rather than switched from part-time to full-time later. I was lucky and got a temporary gig for a web manager who was going on maternity leave. I got an offer from my current position not long after that, so on the first day of school, Ethan went back full time, and Jocelyn started full time at her home daycare.

I kind of wondered when or if Ethan would ever ask to quit going to school and stay home with me, like we used to. He has said on occasion, “Let’s stay home!” to which I would just say matter of factly, “But you/I have school/work tomorrow!” and it would evolve into a discussion on what I do at work, etc.

Yesterday was another of those days, we had picked up Jocelyn and were almost home, when Ethan stated happily, “School is ALL OVER!” and I could feel that knot of dread and pain start to form in my stomach as I tried to reply nonchalantly, “Yes, it is, we’re all done with school for today!” A pause, and then he said, “Let’s stay home, mommy.” and then the knot was fully formed and in rotation, making my stomach a gurgle of unhappiness. I knew exactly what he was saying, but I purposefully misheard him and said, “Ok honey, when we get home, we’ll stay home.” I think the conversation progressed from there, but I changed the subject and we got home, disembarked, ran around outside like crazy for a while, and went inside to eat dinner and watch Little Einsteins and make crazy GeoTrax layouts.

I would have to say, this is the one thing in my life right now that makes me want to cry. I know I’ve said how work is good for me right now, and when I went back, it was really out of financial necessity, and I may appear to be all gung-ho, “Working mothers UNITE! Together we can CONQUER THE UNIVERSE!” but I miss my kids. When I was talking to the lady at bunko about the costs of working vs. the costs of staying home, I was so sad, even in my defensiveness.

I miss being the one to feed them their lunch, and send them to time-out for being a snot, to sit on the floor and play with their toys, to lay on my back and give them SUPER-GIRL!s and SUPER-BOY!s, to start getting Jocelyn potty trained, to tuck them in for naptimes, for kissing the boo-boos, for taking them outside all bundled up to play, to see them all day and have them drive me so crazy that I wish I was working..

I miss my kids. Not seeing them all day makes me so sad.

– amy has to stop now before she starts to cry.

2 responses so far

2 Responses to “Word Challenge: Sorrow”

  1. Caitlinon 01 Mar 2006 at 11:14 pm

    I wish the whole working/not working thing wasn’t so hard. It’s too bad there’s not more middle ground where working during half day preschool sessions would be feasible. I think it’s really hard when you know working is good for you, and good for your family, and preschool is good for the kids, but you lose the flexibility to let your kids play hooky if they need a mama/mental health day because you might need that sick day later on.

    I guess it’s probably a little harder to recapture those stay at home days on the weekend, since you’re probably having to play a little catch up on chores, and spend time with James and your kids. Clayton and I both enjoy having Paul to ourselves at times, as well as time to ourselves. I can’t really imagine how I’d get that balance if we were mostly working with the 54 hours of weekend.

    I don’t know if the preschool allows it, but do they let parents come in occasionally for lunch? I bet it would make Ethan and Jocelyn’s day to have you surprise them for lunch. My elementary school let family drop in like that, and I used to love when my grandparents were waiting for me at the front of the lunch line.

  2. raineon 01 Mar 2006 at 11:21 pm

    I wish it wasn’t so hard too. As for chores, now with James’ new job, one thing I definitely am NOT going to feel guilty about (as soon as I get around to doing it) is getting some cleaning folks in here once every week or so. I’m a slob, and with no time, I can use all the help and motivation I can get!