hi there 2007! buh-bye 2006.

i look back on the old year as a good one. personally, i took a lot of really good healthy steps.

i definitely have some demons that i battle from time to time. it’s hard to even explain what gets me down. when i’m in an ok place, i don’t mind james disapearing downstairs to play World of Warcraft. Not even a whit. However, when I’m not, I want to throw his computer and that game into a big long pit with big firey spikes sticking up all menacing at the bottom. I want to gouge out his eyes with shrimp forks for leaving my side, but then when he does stay with me, i glower and pout and make life miserable.

When I’m in a funk, it is because I don’t like who I am, or how I am perceived (or rather, how I imagine others are perceiving me) or that these titles that are tagged on to me don’t feel at all like who i am.. (mother.. wife.. woman, working mom, responsible adult..). The things that I love and hold most dear are the very things that turn into shackles that bite into my skin as I rail against them. Somehow these things are the things, the “reasons” that I am unhappy. Somehow in my head things like having children living in surburbia equates to me being a boring surbuban house frau, or it equates to me being weird and strange and different from my neighborhood friends who seem to have it together, more together than I, which in turn makes me feel like a cat wearing a dog costume in a world with no cats.

I realize I’m rambling. I realize I’m making no sense. And it really makes no sense when I get all in a funk, and try to explain to my husband who just wants to do something, ANYTHING, to help me feel better. And I just can’t put it into words, that feeling of inadequacy, the sinking pit of dhoom that won’t give me up.

I’m rambling because I just have such a hard time expressing the dark places my brain sometimes puts me in, especially when I haven’t been there for a while, which I’m glad to say, I haven’t.

Why haven’t I? This is what I’m reflecting on. I think it’s because of something that I always knew I was supposed to do. Everyone knows that you have to take time for yourself. We’ve all read it and been preached at about it, but do you actually DO it? New parents especially are always told that you have to take some time for yourself, PLAN OUT time to spend together as a couple, blah blah blah. New moms, be sure to treat yourself to a nice luxorious bubble bath, take care of yourself, blah blah blah. I think the big steps I’ve taken in the latter half of this year have been taking care of myself. My inner self.

I love reading crafty blogs and seeing the creative awesomeness that comes out of these bloggers heads. I’ve recently disregarded any self deprecation and have started doing it myself to the extent that I have even decided to cater to this hobby a bit and set up my own table where my sewing machine and supplies live. I didn’t worry about the cost (which was dumb, because ikea is cheap) and the weirdness of making my front room into a craft room (it didn’t have anything in there anyway, so hello! good use of space!) and just went with it so that I could have some space to work when the mood struck and not have to be constantly moving my shit on and off the kitchen table. It feels good to “own” this. I may still be a sucky beginner, but I LIKE to sew and make things. I think I never really liked the thought of what this hobby would do to other people’s perceptions of me. Which is pretty stupid, because I LOVE and ADMIRE the crafty people I come across. It was just some part of me denying that I could/should do it.

I wanted to become a better photographer and kind of strong-armed james into getting a new camera. I have tried to carry it with me as much as possible and taken a photo safari class specific to my camera and while I wouldn’t say i’m fantastic, I am happy exploring this side of my artistic self as well.

This one is kind of dumb, but I’ve given up any weird notions I had about my hair and am back to using it as an ever-changing palette that I can alter as I want and use to show the world that I may be a suburban mom, but I’m not afraid to mix things up a bit (more on my further attempts at blonde-ness later). I’m no longer wondering or caring what others will think. It’s hair for heaven’s sake. it grows back.

I really didn’t care and just up and WENT to an indigo girls concert by myself.

I’ve had so much fun planting and growing things in my garden, despite my lack of knowledge or experience.

It’s like I’ve been lost. It’s like I had forgotten things that I loved, or the old things I loved didn’t have any appeal for me and nothing had taken it’s place and it left me all empty and hollow inside. I had some online addictions for many many years (ahem. met james online, so it was good for something, thanks) but after i left them behind, i never replaced them with anything else.

Honestly, now that you’ve read this, it makes me sound like the pre-Amy was a martyr mom who catered to everyone else’s whims and wants, and this just IS NOT true. Anyone who knows me can say that I am a fairly outspoken gal who does what she wants and has no qualms with taking time for herself. What I am trying to point out is that I didn’t really know want I wanted, I didn’t really feel as if I had a real purpose, just FOR ME. I was always looking at the things other people loved to do and thought, “how cool for them,” but really had nothing for myself. I think I really did lose a part of myself in becoming a mom, just being home with other small people who need your constant care and supervision can do that to a person, and in the last 4-6 months, I think I’ve found myself again.

And so for 2007, I resolve to carry on. Now that I’ve found her (ahem. I found myself, that’s who the “her” is, stay with me!), I’m not letting her go. More creativity in 2007, and hopefully in more ways that I wish I had the time and nerve to do, like:

finding a choir or chorale to sing with/in (a vocal jazz ensemble would be soooooooooo awesome)
jazz piano lessons (this might fall under “too much effort required” as i’d have to practice and shit)
sewing classes
knitting classes and groups
more crocheting
painting would be fun. i used to paint quite a bit
learning more about my camera/photography
more crafty stuff with my kids
more READING READING READING
maybe finally do the Artists’ Way for real (shut up linda! I KNOW I KNOW!)

I used to read all the time. I used to carry a book with me everywhere and read while I was walking. when I was little, i would read from my bed by the light of the hall (hello ruined eyesight) until my mom turned it off, and then i’d read by a flashlight under the covers. i definitely need to get reading back into my life. how in the crap it ever left my life (oh yeah, babies. that’s not true though. i got a lot of reading done during nursing time) i’m not sure, but it’s time to bring it back.

so there you go. i’ve been mulling all of this over for the past month or so, and it’s good to get it out there. What about you? Any new years resolutions? What do you do that is just for YOU?

happy new year to you, and may you take good care of your inner self 🙂

-amy

… is now up.

I am trying not to be wishy washy. i am NOT pondering about taking it down. i spent a lot of time on this sucker (back in november) and dammit, it’s staying up.

SO THERE.

Plus, it’s such a relief to get that december banner down. I don’t know about you, but it’s way too depressing to see christmasy stuff/decorations after the holiday is over. Last year the tree came down the day after. This year, Christmas was on monday, and my mom and I waited until wednesday to take down the tree. Which was TOO LONG.

Buh-bye december banner! hello new year!

the idea of taking a blogging holiday sounds much better BEFORE the holiday than afterward, when you’re trying to think of all the stuff you were going to blog about.

and then (at least, if you’re me) you suffer from the ‘i have to tell everything in the PAST before i can tell anything about the PRESENT’ and then you just don’t post because who has that kind of time? to recap all that has happened? and then days go by and your blog sits there all cobwebby and sad.

So to keep THAT from happening (much longer), we’ll do a very quick recap. in a very non-linear way.

1. having grandparents around is a hoot. jocelyn is still at the age to be very excited and aimable about every little thing. Ethan however, is getting older, and is not particularly amenable to putting on a show of excitement/emotions for every little thing. I needed to point this out to my mom once, who understood immediately and demands/disappointment on not seeing Ethan hop up and down about something were put to rest. I think that this is one of the big steps from a toddler to a child. He has become more reserved. This makes him less baby-cute, but very sweet in that, ‘this is a little man we see before us’ sort of way. And it makes those tiems when he does show the little-kid-excitement even more exciting

2. jocelyn has still got the baby-cute thing rockin’ big time. the things she says and observes are hilarious, and always more so when heard in that still baby-esque voice. She picks up the xbox controller and says, “I want to GO A CAR!!” and it just slays the room. She is a master of theatrics and has little moans and whimpers that she strolls out whenever she feels she has been put upon. My older sister Ellen used to always call her second daughter Rachel, “AJ” — which stood for Amy Jr. She claims I am a very dramatic, theatrical person (who MOI???), and Rachel did everything in a big “oh, WOE is ME!” sort of dramatic way, thus the nickname. Well, NOW I know what Ellen was talking about, as Jocelyn is proving to be quite the AJ.

3. She is also quite the musical child. I know Ethan had little songs he sang too, but I don’t think he did it quite like Jocelyn. She is constantly humming or singing. The other day at naptime, I heard her over the monitor singing from her crib “Frosty the Snowman” over and over again, with all the correct words (even some I had been getting wrong for years). She will pick words from whatever she’s thinking or doing and put them to music she’s heard. The melody heard most often is Dvorak’s Symphony No 9 “From The New World” which was featured on an episode of Little Einsteins. In the episode, a ring from Saturn’s moon came off, and the Little Einsteins returned it in their rocket. (I recommend this show for the excellent music alone.) Jocelyn will sing, “Ring is going home..” or whatever else comes into her mind, whether it’s “Dolly’s haaaaas a biiiiiiib..” or “Daddy’s hair, daddy’s hair daaaaaaaaddy’s hair..”

What really astounds me is how quickly she’ll pick up a melody and repeat it. I’ve been humming “In the lovely afternoon” from Disney’s “Alice in Wonderland” recently – just a few bars really, not even a full verse – and she’s already singing and humming away at it perfectly. Ethan loves music, but is fairly tone deaf (which doesn’t stop him from singing, thank goodness). It’s still a bit early to tell for Jocelyn, but she can carry a tune fairly well. I’d love to have a little singer in the family. I hope we can foster lots of love for music always in our household.

4. Speaking of singing… my mother is a fantabulous pianist. It was quite a joy to have her in the house. Whenever we’re together she plays and I sing. Sometimes it’s a frustrating experience. I was a voice major in college, and haven’t done anything vocal since. Most of the time, it shows. This time however, I have to say, I’ve still got it baby 🙂

When I was growing up, hearing my mom play was a constant in my life. She has always taught piano, as long as I can remember. She is always playing for church or other activities, accompanying others, singers, violinists, flutists, what-have-you. She went back to school when I was in middle school/junior high and for years, listening to her practice was how I fell asleep every night. She was always busy during the day, so the evening became her practice time. Some piano pieces are always “hers” in a way, because I’ve heard her play them so often. Names and composers always escape me, but me or my brother can always say, “Play the loud, crashy one mom,” and she knows what we mean. Hearing my mother play is probably the thing I miss most, living so far away from them.

5. Christmas eve presents of jammies will probably not become a tradition in our family, as they were fairly negatively received by Ethan this year. I should have known better, actually. I wrapped them up, and the kids opened them. Jocelyn liked hers fine, but Ethan was obviously expecting some of the Christmassy toys he’d been waiting for all this time, and expressed his displeasure and refused to wear them to bed. Oh well. Maybe if I don’t wrap them, or just call them jammies. “Time to open your christmas jammies!” — that might work. we’ll see.

6. The kid presents were a big hit. The only thing Ethan kept asking for anytime anyone asked him what he wanted was a “Toy Factory.” Some puzzling over this made us realize that he wanted a “factory” that was a toy. not a factory that produces toys. He has a “factory” on his geotrax train, so we supposed that that was what he wanted. A geotrax barrel loader was obtained, along with some expansion packs that had HILLS (GLORIOUS HILLS!) and Ethan was a happy camper.

Jocelyn received a trunk of dress up clothes, and a baby basinette and high chair. Both have had quite the workout, but the dress-up clothes have been slightly favored. They had other presents also, but these ones were the big santa presents.

7. I gave my dad and James a “photo safari.” Reviews were good, though not gushing. I suspect my father already knew anything that was offered in way of instruction, but still the opportunity to go into DC and shoot photos is still nice. James learned some stuff about composition, and you can check out the photos he took in the flickr set. I generally hog the camera, and he enjoyed spending some quality time with it. We may have to get him his own flickr account to keep our stuff separate, or maybe we’ll keep it all together.. not sure what we want to do. Guess we’ll see.

8. the lens is fantastic….. and my dad is/was right. we need a flash now. badly. and a camera case 🙂 this MOMENT however, while I am very happy with the lens, I’m kind of enthralled by my second christmas present.

9. i had a little second christmas which i’ll talk about in a later post… involving a new SEWING machine, yay for me! it’s a very nice one too.

10. The week was just so nice and pleasant. The pace always move a bit faster when my mom visits, as she is very much a DO-ER. Always up, always doing, always wanting to GO GO GO, OUT OUT OUT. Me, i’m more of a home-body and would be perfectly content to stay home. There were times I had to call a stop to all the DOING, and there were also times when she had to grab me by the arm and haul me off to go DO, and it was all good and fun. The kids loved seeing their grandparents, and I hope we can have them for another Christmas in the future. Maybe sometime in 2007 we can have a family reunion, as I’d love them to see their cousins as well. A definite downside to living on the east coast is being so far from my family, and their cousins, a few of whom are right around their age.

I think that’s enough of an update for now. I’ll try to get more later.. and I’ll REALLY try to get some photos up as well. I have about a billion blogs to try to catch up on as well, so we shall see!

happy holidays and merry new year to everyone!

2 things out of 20. 2 things i can remember. 18 that i cannot. more on the ‘olidays later as well.

i am sitting on the couch with my laptop, showing my mom pictures of the kids on flicker. my mom keeps alternately oohing and ahhing, and saying crossly, “Make it BIGGER.”

This is when Jocelyn comes over, points at a picture, and says, “BIG it, mommy, BIG IT.”

Very cute. As long as we don’t have to get her a tiny white hood. Luckily, I know she was just verb-ing a noun.

ethan is big into Zero lately. It comes up in the weirdest ways. He also has a teeny bit of a hard time spitting out a thought in his head. He almost stutters as her tries to pick the right word at times, and you can see him trying to express his feelings and thoughts properly. However, sometimes, there is no editing between brain and mouth and the words just tumble straight out.

He was finishing up breakfast, but still had some orange juice in his cup.

e: may i be excused?
a: don’t you want to finish your juice?
e: no. you can drink it if you want mommy.
a: just have one more sip of your juice (becuase i am thinking if he tastes it, he’ll finish it), and then you can be excused. I want you to go upstairs and get dressed, ok?
e: (sip) OK! (scampers off, but stops at the top of the stairs to yell down at me)
e: MOMMY!
a: yes?
e: The, the juice, the juice must stay in the cup! The cup, it goes by my spot! The juice can’t go anywhere!
a: (laughing a bit) you mean you don’t want me to drink your juice?
e: YES! ZERO people drink my juice! NONE! ZERO!
a: OK, I’ll make sure it stays right here, by your spot, for you!
e: thank you mommy!

the former president died, and therefore, i get tuesday off. it’s like a second christmas!

-amy

If you live in the northern va area and have little kids that love trains, I can’t recommend the Santa Train enough. For $4 a ticket, proceeds going to Operation Lifesaver, an organization dedicated on train safety education, you get a train ride, train safety coloring books, a glimpse of Santa on the train, and very excited and happy kids. The only problem is they sell out so quickly, usually within 4-5 days after going on sale.

Since the event is already over, the pages on the various websites regarding this event have been taken down, but next November, you can vist the VRE website and I’m sure they will have it again. They have several different stops along the western rail (Manassas, Burke, etc) and eastern rail (Woodbridge, Springfield, etc.) This year, once again the train was a big hit. Learning from last year, the kids do get bored in the middle, so we brought snacks.

Most ironic moment.. standing at the station, the train easing up, to see some dumbass parents ignore the flashing lights and lowered gates to RUN ACROSS THE TRACKS with their kids in tow, to get on the station side of the tracks before the train comes up. Exactly what the Operation Lifesaver program later instructs our kids circle in the coloring book they hand out as “unsafe behaviour.”

Anyway. On to the cuteness. You can view the entire flickr set as well.

trying to get a glimpse of Santa

These kids grow up so quickly in a year. Last year’s Santa train:

i’m crazy busy at work trying to get a publication out by friday. so no real blogging.

instead, i thought i’d just post some randomness throughout the day. it helps me get all the brain gook out, and well, you… um…. ok, no real benefit for you, but here you go anyway, out of the goodness of my heart. MERRY CHRISTMAS AND STUFF. HAVE MY BRAIN GOOK. BECAUSE. I. CARE.

• listening to a ‘Highlights of Aida’ (opera by Verdi, which I sang in the chorus of, many many years ago) at full blast makes for an interesting working environment. especially during the ‘return from battle’ crashy bangy loud parts. And since i can’t understand a word, it makes it easy to just relate it to whatever i’m doing. “Muuuuuuust LINK THOSE FOOTNOTES! Nooooooooooooowww check the ndashes! MUST MUST MUST LINK THOSE FOOTNOTES! doooooon’t forget those ndashes! Cross-reference! Cross-reference! Aaaaaaadd Referrrrrrrrrer! RE! FER! RER!”
• The bathroom in my office building has a little thingee on the wall (I think I’ve mentioned it before) that squirts out air freshener at timed intervals. Every month or so, it runs out and they replace the stuff inside. This month is the month that the bathroom stinks of rank too-strong floraly scent and it makes me want to do my business and get the hell OUT before my nose rebels. Maybe it’s all a plot for less lolly-gagging in the loo. (ahem. I have been known to lolly-gag. like you haven’t played sudoku on YOUR phone while in the bathroom. um. no? just me? ok then. so glad we shared!) I’m eagerly awaiting when this scent runs out and they replace it with something that doesn’t smell like someone drowned you in a big vat filled to the brim with cheap, stanky perfume.

UPDATE:
OK, so I was actually WORKING all day. Go figure. Maybe some photos tomorrow.

-amy

1) scrub the blackened bottom of cookie sheets.

me: james, commere. my hands are all wet. bring the camera.
james: (takes it all in with a glance)
me: this is the before.
james: i think the after is going to be a failure.

me: yeah, probably. no way this is getting unblackened.

…

me: IT’S A CHRISTMAS AN SOS PAD MIRACLE!

-amy does wear dishwashing gloves.? ya wanna make somethin of it, punk?

Trying out my colored contacts (sapphire).

they’ve been sitting in my medicine cabinet for a year now.

i wonder why i always end up making this face if a camera points at me long enough. I think it’s a severe Calvin and Hobbes influence.

they still don’t work right on my eyeballs. i think they don’t fit properly. every time i blink, they move around and then settle. very batty. anyway, i took them off, dropped them in the trash.

i like my own green eyes better anyhow 🙂

I just need some NEW CONTACTS so they don’t fall out from yuckiness!

-amy thinks this is going to be a lazy, photo-posting blog week

It’s brain vomit time, so please excuse the lack of any sort of linear narrative.

Jocelyn, the poor girl. We kept thinking it was a cold, and she stayed home Wednesday and Thursday. We were all set for her to go back to school Friday, but when I checked on her on the way to bed, she was WIDE AWAKE, and had a fever of 103. Ugh. Our girl is such a good sleeper, that she doesn’t even complain when she’s super duper sick. James stayed home, took her to the doctor and it turns out she has a double ear infection. It just breaks my heart. DOUBLE EAR INFECTION. And not a PEEP during the night. Ugh. My sister recently had an ear infection, and she informed me that hadn’t realized that DIZZINESS is one of the symptoms. She said she laid down and the room wouldn’t stop spinning. She didn’t realize what it was from, and thought she needed to eat something.

So of course, when Ethan whimpered a little Sunday morning, had a temperature of 102, I rushed him over to the urgent care center, only to hear his ears were fine, his throat is a little red, and I should “watch him and see how he does”. She gave me a prescription for an antibiotic, and if he gets worse I’m supposed to fill it.

I don’t like that really. I don’t think I can handle that sort of decision. and Ethan is no help, because you ask him how he’s feeling, and he says, “Good.” and then coughs up a lung (i’m exagerating). Anyway. The fever I think was a fluke, and we will indeed, wait and see. And possibly take him to his usual pediatrician for a more formal “yes do it.” before haphazardly giving him antibiotics.

On the upside, Jocelyn must be feeling better even though the snot factory in her nose is still going strong, because yesterday for naptime, she slept from 12:30 to 4pm. Making up for all that dizziness and no sleeping in the night, probably.

CURSE YOU PARENTS DAY OUT!!!

Our kids’ school offered another Parent’s Day Out – usually they are “Night Out,” but this one was saturday from 10am-3pm, so that parents could possibly go get some shopping done during the day w/out the kids. We did a wee bit of shopping, but most of the time was taken up with seeing Better Than Fiction (pretty good) and me dragging James to an Indian buffet that I’ve been to several times with work friends. After we got the kids, I was wondering if the whole thing was a good idea, because now they were all hopped up, had no naptime, and especially in Jocelyn’s case, were pretty whiney and fussy. And it was HOURS AND HOURS until bedtime. So I had the GRAND idea to go see the Bull Run Festival of Lights*. James put in his 2 bits on how it would be crowded, and I should have listened, OH HOW I SHOULD HAVE LISTENED. Trust me. Spending hours and hours at HOME with cranky kids who are whiney and prone to getting into fights is one thing. Hours and hours trying to entertain said kids while in the CAR is quite another. Ethan was a champ. Jocelyn not so much.

But we went, and spent maybe an HOUR just waiting to SEE the lights. If you’re in the area, and have a hankering to pay $15 to go see this extravagant display of leisurely use of electricity, I would advise NOT going on the weekend. We didn’t get home until 9pm, a good hour past their bedtime.

*I looked up the URL to link this too, and right there, on the front page, it states, “Expect long lines on the weekend.” I am dumb, dumb, dumb.

WE SAY THINGS THREE, THREE, THREE TIMES IN OUR HOUSE

I think it is because of my love for the Eloise books (they’re so super cute, go read one) and the fact that they actually made 2 made-for-tv MOVIES out of the Eloise books (ABC family is showing Eloise at Christmastime, AND Eloise at the Plaza put it on your TiVo!!!) and I like to watch them. In Eloise world, she has a nanny (played by Julie Andrews in the movie, she is so wonderful) who always says things three times. LORD, LORD, LORD, we are TIRED, TIRED, TIRED! It’s time to SLEEP, SLEEP, SLEEP! And thus, Eloise is always saying things in threes as well, and it has been something I’ve adopted unconsciously, and thus, the kids adopted, and I’ve even heard James say some things thrice as well!
So it is both cute, cute, cute, and SMELLY SMELLY SMELLY when I hear Jocelyn call out, “I am POOPY, POOPY, POOPY!” from her room in the morning. (not of the smeared kind, thankfully. just the in-the-diaper kind.)

OH MY LORD, IT’S ONE WEEK AWAY

That’s right. Christmas. One week from today. There are a plethora of conversations relating to the time and distance in space Christmas day is from the present time, with Ethan. It usually goes like this:

ethan: Is it after this day?
me: no, it’s not for one week. That is seven days.
ethan: GAH!*
me: and only six days until grandma and grandpa will be here!
ethan: YEAH! after this day?
me: no, six days. they will be here on christmas eve!
ethan: YES!
me: and then for a week, we’ll have no school, we’ll get to play at home with grandma and grandpa.
ethan: wahooo! in SEVEN DAYS.
me: yup.

The conversations with Jocelyn are much simpler:

jocelyn: it’s CHRISTMAS!!
me: it is christmas time, isn’t it!

the end.

*seriously. almost exactly like Grace does it from Will and Grace on that episode where she wants to go, “GAH!” and make the face on antique road show when her piece isn’t actually authentic. of course, it turns out that it is. I think this is one of 4 episodes that I have actually seen of Will and Grace.

OH MY LORD, IT’S SIX DAYS AWAY

That is when my folks come. This means I have a whole crapload of cleaning to do before their arrival. It’s amazing the things you start to do when you realize your mother will be in your house. I will have more on this on another date. Right now, I have to go wash all the windows.

-amy amy bo bamy banana fana fo famy, mi, my, mo mamey… AMY.

me: it’s back. IT’S BACK.

(tivo button noises.)

james, holding the tivo remote, glares over at me.

me: i don’t know how you don’t just throttle me.

james: i don’t either.

me: seriously, I would. I am so annoying sometimes.

james: sometimes?

me: I wouldn’t be able to stand me.

james: it’s because i love you.

me: SUCKER.*

* This conversation may have an altered ending because the chronicler may have allegedly had a drink or two and may have already forgotten how it ended even though it was only 2 minutes ago. Allegedly.