It’s weird to feel this old. Not that 32 is that old, or that I’m belly-aching my age.

No, it’s weird to not have that “it’s my birthday! yippee skippee fun fun!!” feeling with me all the time. It’s been a couple of years that I’ve really had that feeling. You know, the feeling of, “It’s my special day!” with the occassional mopey “why do i have to work on MY SPECIAL day!” feelings or even the feelings of “why do i have to do this (enter mundane thing here) ON MY BIRTHDAY!”

Now that I’m old, it’s more like, a normal day with the occasional feeling of “Wow, oh yeah, it’s my birthday!” I knew that I would feel this way which is why I told James taht I wanted a present to unwrap on my birthday. It’s FUN to feel all yippee skippy! I WANT that old “yay!” feeling all day long back. I started to waffle on the present thing a few days ago because I knew James was busy with class both nights before my birthday, but he stopped me and said I was getting a present, dammit, NO WAFFLING ALLOWED! We are still going to get me a bike, but we haven’t gotten around to it yet – busy busy. So this is just a little something for me to have today. Big present still to come.
And he’s right 🙂 Everyone should get a present on their birthday. James brought the kids in to say happy birthday to me right as we were all heading downstairs to leave, and while it was kind of a non-event for them, Jocelyn pitching a fit over being bodily handled (her daddy dared PICK HER UP! SHOCKING!) and Ethan deciding to be all mopey, it was still nice 🙂

It’s snowing this morning, and as soon as I just accepted the fact that traffic sucked and I would be at work an hour later than planned, it was nice to see the snow fall all pretty. It is going to warm up soon and turn to rain, and no schools even thought about closing, so it also is a non-event, except for the prettiness. I wish I worked next to a window so I could see it, cause it’s really coming down. (I can still see it, I just have to actually TURN AROUND to look. Piffle. Can’t be bothered. It’s my birthday for heaven’s sake.)

So, I’m late to work, which means it’s time to get BUSY, but I have been wanting to write, and so I did.

BECAUSE IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! YAY!

– amy is older today and didn’t use spell-check because IT’S HER BIRTHDAY! and so there will probably be a lot of tehs and taht’s and e’s before i’s even after c’s.

I have been thinking about the challenge my friend Chris has come up with. (Go look! Join the challenge! It’ll be fun!) I thought it was a great idea and waffled on participating because things have been so crazy lately, and I didn’t want to say I would do it and then not find the time to do it. I am always wishing I had my camera so I could take pictures during the day and I just in general wish I would take more pictures, so finally I signed on, and this morning I grabbed the camera and decided I was going to fulfill one of the challenges today.

I helped get the kids into James’ car this morning, with the camera hanging around my neck and I exclaimed, “I’m going to take y’alls picture!” and was all excited, until James informed me that the camera battery was dead and needed charging. Grrrrr.

Anyway, so unless I use some other way of fulfilling a challenge, guess that isn’t happening today. Perhaps I’ll think of something else. We’ll see.

Life has been busy. It’s a good busy. Tonight I have bunko with the neighborhood ladies, and I’m really looking forward to that. Tomorrow is a bachelorette party that will probably last until the wee hours of the morning (except that one of us is going to have to get home at a somewhat decent hour to thank the sitter and send let her go home. Oh, James is going to the bachelor party of the groom tomorrow too.) Sunday evening I have poker with some friends/ acquaintances of Chris’ again – I had lots of fun the first time, this time, I want to have fun and WIN WIN WIN! And then Monday is President’s Day. Both James and I have the day off, but the kids’ daycare/ school are open, and so it will be the PERFECT day to lay our newly purchased from Costco laminate flooring. I sent an email to some friends inviting anyone who wants to help over, because I think a few people at least want to learn about the process so they can do it in their home, so we might have help/ onlookers, or we might be going it alone. Wednesday is my 32 (is that right? good lord, I’m old) birthday, and while we are going to get me a bike for my birthday, it probably won’t put in an appearance ON the ACTUAL DAY, so I’ve informed James that I still want a present on the actual day of my birthday, doesn’t have to be anything fancy (because the bike will be the fancy thing!) Because I do! For the last couple years, money has been tight and I’ve always just told James that I don’t need/ want anything because honestly the bank account couldn’t really afford it anyway. So this year… SCREW THAT! I want me some PRESENTS, DAMMIT! Well, just one, will be fine 🙂 I also told him I want to be surprised, and therefore he needs to come up with it himself, and not just have me tell him what to get me. I can think of a couple of options that I hinted I wanted around Christmas that he could still give me (HINT HINT HONEY!), but something totally different would be fine too.

I just want a present 🙂 On my actual birthday. Which is next Wednesday. It just hit me that my birthday is next week. Damn, life has been busy.

Work has been going well, lots to do and some interaction with folks that I can actually label as “my” clients, and that’s a nice feeling. I think I may pick up a book about project management, or maybe just organization. There’s a lot going on, both at work, and also personally and right now my method is to write down everything that comes to me so that then I have got it on paper and my brain doesn’t feel the need to pop up with the random things I need to do in the middle of other things, like “I have to do up Jocelyn’s invitations!” (which I did, last night, although I still need to do a few more.) Sometimes just purging the brain of all the random thoughts, getting it all down on paper (or website, as the case may be,) is helpful in itself. There’s a great book called “The Artist’s Way” that recommends “morning pages” where you just sit EVERY morning and write, write, write for a specified amount of time or number of pages and then you are done and can go on about your day. There really is something behind that, because if you get all of the mundane out, or the thoughts you’ve been kicking around in your head, it is like you release them and are then no longer bothered by them, and your brain is free to focus on other things.

So my biggest issues right now are sleep, this diet pill I’m currently taking, and the thousands of things that my brain reminds me of every 10 minutes on a rotating basis.

The sleep and the pill thingee are inter-related. I have been taking it for a few weeks now, and I am seeing results. I still don’t know how I feel about it. I think I will be pretty relieved when the 6 weeks are up. I have always kind of been afraid of drugs/ medicine, even when I was a little girl. When my mother would give me tylenol or whatever when I was sick, I used to not swallow it, and then wait until she was gone and spit it out. I just didn’t like the thought of the medicine breaking down and going all through my body doing heaven knows what. I still don’t, but I’ve gotten over it for the most part. Any girl who hits puberty and then knows the horrid bloated pain of MENSTRUAL CRAMPS gets over fear of medicine VERY QUICKLY and pops the pamprin like it’s candy.

So, the drugs. If you interested, it is called Phentermine, and it acts as an appetite suppressant and also ups the metabolism. They don’t make me crazy, which is good, that is always my first fear of any drug. It does affect my sleep though, and my reaction to it. I am not the sort of person who can go day to day on a little bit of sleep. I need 7 or 8 hours a night, or I feel it the next day. And even if I don’t feel it, my mood and state of mind shows it. If I am getting weepy or depressed, the first thing I look at is how much sleep I’ve been getting the last couple of days, and that is usually it.

So first off, I don’t get tired and all ready for bed at the usual times. I still seem pretty awake and alert and my mind is always on the go-go and I have often kept James up for a half hour or 40 minutes just talking and blabbering away while we’re settling in for bed. This isn’t out of the ordinary, in fact one of the main symptoms of me being sleeping is I will get very chatty and just can’t seem to stop talking. The sleepy-chatting and this mind-racing chatting are pretty different though. So I have to make a pretty concerted effort to go get my butt into bed at a decent hour, and it is hard, and I often fail.

When I fail, I don’t feel tired the next day. I sometimes have the same “you are TIRED” body feelings, like I get this emptiness feeling somewhere in my stomach when I need sleep or have had too much caffeine, and I’ll still feel that, but I don’t actually FEEL tired. Also, even like last night, when I went to bed at 11:30, when I wake up in the morning (at 6:30, this morning) even though I’m tired, it’s like a switch has been flipped, and I’m AWAKE. BING! AMY’S AWAKE! Mind ON! Brain GO-GO-GO!

So these aren’t necessarily BAD things, but they are different, and I am not taking this pill every day, I take it for 5 days a week, and then I’ve found that the 2 days I’m not taking it, I need a lot of sleep. Last Sunday James got up with the kids in the morning and I didn’t even notice. I was too busy sleeping. And then that afternoon, I went upstairs and had a nap. I NEVER have naps. I was so set on the sleeping that I didn’t even take off my bra, and sleeping in a bra is never a good thing. My body just needed the sleep.

So, even though this pill makes me Not Sleepy Ever, I need to really make an effort to get my body the rest I know it needs. It’s hard. Especially when the weekend is facing you and it has “staying up past midnight every night” written all over it.

Ok, I could go on and on, but I think that this is probably way longer than a blog entry should be, so I will spare you the torture to reading more of my speedy-brain thought vomit, and let you get on with your day 🙂

– amy never knows if I comes before E, and who knows what’s after C

First off, happy first (ok, today is his second) day of new job, James!

2. We didn’t go see the panda. The tickets I had procured were pretty early. We live a fair ways away from the national zoo (hello northern Virginia suburbs!) We would have had to get up crazy early. So when all of a sudden I realized that WE WERE GOING TO GET SNOW last weekend, the conversation went something like this:

me: so. the panda. we’re going to have to get up early.
james: yeah. very early.
me: yup. early early early.
both of us: ….
me: so you know, it is supposed to snow this weekend!
james: SNOW! wow, gee, we wouldn’t want to go out and get caught in the snow.
me: nope, we definitely wouldn’t. and you know we have to wait in line to see the panda, we wouldn’t want our kids waiting in line outside in the freezing cold snow.
james: nope, wouldn’t want that.
both of us: we’d better not go.

Yeah. So, maybe next time. When it’s not so early. And so freaking cold.

3. We DID get SNOW! YAY! And did you know that Target has SWIMMING SUITS ON DISPLAY and have had them on display since JANUARY? I’ve been meaning to post a big ???!&#$*#&@???? about that and have forgotten. We don’t need short sleeve craziness YET, Target, so just CHILL OUT with your swimming suits and your pool toys and your sidewalk chalk and your bubbles and beach balls. JEEPERS!

So yeah, I’m bitter, because I can’t find my kids snow boots anywhere. Grrrr. Anyway, it started snowing late Saturday afternoon, snowed all night, and we had about a foot, or maybe a bit more, Sunday morning. It was all done snowing by then, which is what I call a PERFECT SNOW STORM! I took the kids out and we all played/ shoveled in the snow, then James came out, and I went in and he kept shoveling and the kids kept playing. I popped my head out to ask the kids if they wanted to come in, but they were having a blast. Despite the icicles wedged in between their soaking wet socks and their sneakers, because they don’t have snow boots. Jocelyn loved to gingerly lay herself down in the snow and make snow angels, though it took a few times of showing her how to move her arms and legs for her to catch on. Ethan loved to climb up the snow hills all the shoveling created and slide down them. I loved sitting inside with a cup of tea watching from the couch with my feet in slippers. Yesterday, I was in serious pain from the shoveling, the “you didn’t lift with your knees” sort of aching sore back muscles pain. Thankfully, it seems to be all gone today.

Oh, the back/ neck muscles weren’t just sore from the shoveling (i am a wuss, but not that much of a wuss). Ethan threw a tantrum at one point on Friday and as I was handing him off to his father, he punched me in the side OF THE NECK. I mean he really got me. DAMN it hurt, and DAMN it totally wonkified my whole spinal column. So yesterday, I was still dealing with the weird neck issues (I haven’t wanted to go see a chiropractic so badly in my life*) and then with the back muscles it was just too much. Again – today, feels like everything is spit-spot.

* Actually not true, I was probably in much more pain after I was rear-ended many many years ago. But nothing fades the past like the present!

4. Ethan did have a couple of punching, kicking, head butting tantrums over the weekend. He got tossed in his room and ignored for them, and his Geotrax train went into timeout until the next day. He seemed to get over them much quicker however, and James said that he could see the pause, in his mind, before he just let loose. The pause was non-existent before, so he is definitely making progress. He often will inform me, after he does something, “That was a good choice, mommy! I make good choices!” Yesterday he had a good day at school as well, no notes, no visits to the office, and his afternoon teachers said he did great. Nothing like bribery and rewards, so he got 2 M&Ms when we got home.

5. Work is a lot busier lately. And worse, it’s the kind of busy where I have to pro-actively do stuff, rather than just passively do what is handed to me. I have to put on the grown-up hat and make calls and act like I know what I’m doing, and convince people to spend the money in their budget by giving me work. The calls have turned into meetings, where I will again, have to act like I know what I’m doing, and use words like, strategy, goals, focus, standards, accessibility, etc. I DO know what I’m doing, but it’s much easier to do the passive thing than the proactive thing. I do get to ride on the metro train to DC tomorrow though, which I always enjoy, and of course, that also means there’s a Perfect Pita in my future as well. Yummilicious.

6. Birthday parties. Jocelyn is turning 2 in March, and it seems like we should be at the stage in our parenting to have a real children’s party, instead of just inviting our friends over for a get-together and make a cake and call it good. However, she IS 2, which is still pretty young, and have YOU had a house full of kids over? I haven’t, and I smell disaster. I am thinking of inviting our neighbor kids, the other kids in her daycare, setting up kid tables with butcher paper and crayons on them, making a cake, getting pizza delivered, and calling it good. I should think of it as like a trial run to Ethan’s birthday in May, when we’ll invite his class for some sort of party function. Eek. I’m scared just thinking about it.

7. Home improvement. I don’t know if you know, but Costco has a coupon for $5 off their laminate flooring. We have a room in the basement that we’ve just got finished by a contractor, and we’ve decided to lay the floor ourselves. I have vast dreams in my head of how we’ll become pros at laying this floor and then we’ll move on to bigger and better things. We’ll floor our bedroom and closets! We’ll floor the other bedrooms! Then the HALLWAY! THEN THE WORLD!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I’m actually pretty excited, we were originally going to have our contractor do the flooring, but after looking at the instructions, we thought, “Oh we can do THIS.”

I’m sure you’ll hear about the divorce from “irreconcilable differences” soon, all stemming from arguments on the proper way to lay laminate flooring.

That’s it for now.

– amy walks the walk, but never talks the talk

We’ve been having issues with Ethan lately. And not just us, he’s been causing trouble at his school as well. He has been kicking, hitting (punching, really) and spitting on his friends and teachers. Obviously, not acceptable. Unfortunately, Ethan has always been a bit of a problem child at school, and we have a “Good Choices Chart” where he gets a sticker when he makes good choices and has a good day at school, but it hasn’t really been working that well recently.

At first, I thought all this was because he had been sick, and got used to being pampered and getting what he wanted. James and I were feeling pretty dejected about the entire situation. Then we finally realized what had caused all this havoc — we let Ethan watch The Incredibles while he was sick.. Now he keeps punching everyone.. Gee, what do you think? It makes us feel a bit relieved that there is actually a REASON he’s suddenly decide to go kung fu on everyone’s ass, and it isn’t just random. It also makes us feel like dopes, because we KNOW that those sort of movies can have this effect and it didn’t even register with us. Doh.

So we had a meeting at his school this morning with his teacher and the administrator and it was all good, and we’re all now united in our efforts to turn this behavior around. I think he has already started to “get it” that this sort of behavior isn’t going to be tolerated. His Geotrax train (his prized possession) went into time-out the first day I brought him home after spending the afternoon in the office. He freaked out, I went and plopped him in his room where he screamed, “I’m mad at you mommy!” for the next 40 minutes. He got his train back after the next day, when he made good choices and there was no visits to the office. However, the NEXT day, another visit to the office, the train went back into timeout. This was yesterday. Hopefully he will have a good day today, and he’ll get his train out of timeout tonight.

Jocelyn has also just been little Miss Trouble lately. She will throw a tantrum at the drop of the hat, and if you displease her, she will just shout, “NO!” at the top of her lungs, even if she really doesn’t mean it. She freaks out because you move her drink, but then if you ask her if she wants it, she will shout, “NO!” and then freak out again if you don’t hand it to her. It can be trying.

Ahhhh… kids. Think hard before you have them 🙂 It’s times like these I’m glad we’re done breeding.

“We’re done breeding?” you say.. Yes. We’re done breeding. James and I decided last year that 2 kids seemed like a good number. We pondered it for a good long while. I came from a large family (6 kids) and a part of me would like to have more, just because that’s how I grew up and I have great childhood memories. I always thought that 4 would really be the right number for me, but I really took my time to think about it, and was even a little surprised to realized that it felt like our family is complete. I didn’t feel as if there should be a baby on the floor while the other two run around, I didn’t feel like someone/ something was missing. It feels like this is right. Plus, the logical side of me is quick to point out that with 2, we’ve got a man on man defense. When we go to amusement parks, there will always be an even number of people for the rides. And plus, with 3, you have that whole middle child issue, but then 4 seems like WAY way too many. Also, I like the idea that we’ve created 2 people to “go on after us,” so to speak, and when we’re gone, there is only 2 to replace us. We’re not contributing to overpopulation! I have no idea of the population statistics, I’m not saying it’s really a huge issue that we feel strongly about, it just seemed like another reason for 2 to be It. So, we thought about it over several months, and we decided together that two kids was right for us. We’re done. Of course, if by some accident another one came along, we would be fine with that, but by our choice, we’re done. We’ll probably take steps at some point in the future to make that a permanent decision. (cough snip snip cough)

I feel like I haven’t been writing here nearly as often. (Is that true? I don’t even know..) Life has been busy. Work has been busy. February is turning out to be a CRAZY busy month, what with weddings, and home improvements and school events and birthday parties.. March is shaping up to be pretty busy as well, and relatives will be visiting in April. This year is going to whiz by. Yikes! I love to write though. It’s almost therapeutic for me. So I shall endeavor to do so more often.

– amy demands clearly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!

Last night, Jocelyn kept coughing and coughing and coughing and then crying and there was little we could do for her. I got up with her 3 times, and james once, and I think she finally slept after 1am. James delivered her to daycare this morning (probably pretty dumb of us, but there’s no fever and it’s just cough and the nose from hell, so we thought it’d be ok), and then got a call asking for one of us to pick her up little under an hour later.

This is getting so frustrating. Why can’t we all just be healthy? One week Jocelyn was sick with pneumonia, the next, Ethan was out with nasty cold fever sickness, and now Jocelyn’s down again. WHY GOD WHY! Errrrgh. I still don’t actually have any vacation time, and James won’t have any either once he starts his new job. I try to work up some comp hours, but they get used up as quickly as I can work them.
Jocelyn’s daycare lady suggested it might be allergies, and mentioned how her daughter was tested and once she was taking Claritin once a day she did much better. Jocelyn did see an allergist last year, but was only tested for dairy. She has an appointment at 3pm today, so I think I’ll ask her pediatrician about it.

So tired. So tired of sick kids. Probably not as much as they’re sick of it.

Sunday was a better day than Saturday. Thanks guys for the nice comments. I know everyone has these sorts of days, kids or no kids, and venting about it here is therapeutic, especially when y’all step in with such nice thoughts. Sleep does wonders to restore patience, and I remembered the basic rule that going to work every weekday seems to have erased in my mind – Get down on the floor and play! When things starting just way too whiny and tantrumy and too much to handle, go sit down and play! Whining usually means kids need attention, and one can never play with their kids too much.

It started when our Doodle Pro (magnetic drawing toy) was sitting on the table, and the two of them started to tug of war with it. I had no idea who had it first, and sometimes, they just have to learn that if they can’t work it out between them, nobody gets it. So the Doodle pro went into “timeout” (on top of the fridge) for 3 minutes, and when it came out, instead of trying to decide who gets it first, we all went and sat down together and played with it. I started drawing shapes and asking them what they were (Jocelyn knew every one, except diamond, which she excitedly named, “Kite!” so not too bad!) Then we did some letters and I printed everyone’s name, even mommy and daddy’s. Then I drew (ha! drew is such a broad term. think stick figures, which Jocelyn at first declared were “Flowers!”) Ethan and Jocelyn, and then at their request, redrew the picture with Mommy and Daddy in it also, and then threw the dog in as well, which Jocelyn decided was a kitty.

So, more cute kid stories/achievements:

By Sunday night, Jocelyn had definitely gotten the idea that tantruming is not the way to go. It was pretty amusing: “UH UH UH!! …. PEEEEAAASE!!” But often we had no idea what exactly she wanted, because she would only say “pease!” and not the name of whatever it is she desired. Still. Progress.

Also, my little girl is growing up!! She is so big and capable! She can climb the stairs without holding her hand on the wall for balance. It is pretty scary actually, I kept watching her and thinking she was going to lose her footing and tumble down the stairs, but she has just started trudging up the steps without a care in the world. She still uses the wall on her way down. (thank god. I might have a heart attack when she starts going down sans wall.)

On Sunday afternoon after naptime, the CUTEST thing happened. Ethan said, “Come here, Jocelyn!” and then promptly plopped into Jocelyn’s doll stroller. Jocelyn got right behind it, pushed with all her might, and managed to roll Ethan across the floor. Then Ethan got up and they switched places. They kept it up for about 5 minutes, shrieking with laughter and taking turns the entire time. It was pretty sweet, especially how they played together. Also, On Saturday when I took them out to Lowes/Target, Ethan would ask Jocelyn to take his hand, and she would, and they’d walk together holding hands. I’d never really seen this before, but it was very dear.

The two of them still don’t often play with the same toys together. Jocelyn is a mite too young for that, and if she tries, Ethan often will get mad and order her to stop, and parental intervention is needed. However, when no toys are involved, they are often quite cute, and Jocelyn will copy whatever her big brother does. Unfortunately, this works in reverse as well. When one of them does something wrong, often while I’m hollering at them to stop, the other will pitch in with the same activity as well. For example, when we’re at the table eating a meal, one of them will invariably start banging on the table, either with their hand or a utensil. Then the other one will start. So the conversation usually goes like this:

Ethan: *bang bang bang*
me: Ethan, no banging.
Jocelyn: *bang bang bang*
Ethan: Jocelyn’s banging!
me: Jocelyn, no banging from you either.
Ethan and Jocelyn: *bang bang bang*
me: Ethan, that’s 1, Jocelyn, that’s 1 for you too!”

Then there’s lots of looks at each other and grins and looks over at me and eventually someone will bang again and then the other will and you get the idea. Sometimes they can resist enough and stop, but most of the time they can’t. Yesterday, I came up from painting the room in the basement around lunchtime, and they were both in time out because of the banging. Ethan on the couch, and Jocelyn sitting on a stair step. James told me that when they both first arrived in timeout, Ethan said, “Jocelyn is in timeout. I’m in timeout too.” and then Jocelyn replied, “Yeah. Time-out.” and they generally were tickled pink about being in timeout together. At dinner time, Ethan started to bang, and looked at me all surreptitiously to see how I was going to react, and before I could say a word, Jocelyn rebuked him with a loud, “No banging!” It was cute.

Ok. So Sunday was a better day, but I still felt (and feel) all dreary and mopey. Going to try to snap out of it, because it’s no fun for anyone, especially me.

– amy

.. parenting wise. This will be one of those posts where the truth of parenting comes out, although I like to think I’m pretty truthful about it all the time, when I think about the kids/parenting type entries I’ve written on here, I don’t think I’ve written about the really hard days that come with being a parent. So just in case you think it is always golden sunshiney rainbows over here at the Panders residence, and parenting and children just come with the territory and birds sing and dress us in the morning, IT SO FUCKING ISN’T, AND THEY DON’T, AND SOMETIMES IT JUST PLAIN SUCKS. It would just go to show, that within a week of TWO people telling me, “You’re a good mom.” all casual and blase (and no lightning hit them!) that my children decide to turn into demons that wrack the whole patient motherhood thing that I had going on. Because in my opinion, it really is all about patience and not losing your cool. Not losing your cool when you have to tell Ethan 30 times at the auto show to stay right by mommy instead of doing what you WANT TO DO and lose it and blow up and holler and yell and then lasso him so that he won’t disappear from your side. And while we’re at it, muzzle or gag him in some way. Oh, and while we’re at it, I want a pony.

Today I lost it and hollered and yelled. And even spanked, which is something I Do Not Do. That’s not to say that if you spank your kids you are evil, I just personally don’t think that it is the best solution, and for me, when spanking is involved, it means that *I* have lost it, and the parent should never lose it when dealing with their kids. That way danger lies.

Ahh, so now that I’ve told you how bad a mother I am and how I’ve broken my holy covenant with myself on No Spanking Ever, I’ll tell you more about the day. Maybe it’s because it’s over and I’m no longer in it that it doesn’t seem as bad, but I know it was bad, while it was going on, because the frustration and irritation and HELPLESSNESS pressed down on me so hard today that tears came, at least twice that I can remember. It’s one of those days where you just wonder why having kids was a good idea, you know, EVER, FOR ANYONE and you’d much rather leave them on a doorstep somewhere and go fly to somewhere warm and filled with no responsibilities and drink frufru drinks with umbrellas. Ahhhhhhhh…

Sorry. I went to my Happy Place for a minute. I’m back now. By the way, go put Coupling (BBCA) on your Tivo, cause it’s good. I’ll wait.

So Ethan was sick earlier this week, with a fever that Would Not Go Away, and so he was pampered pretty thoroughly, as is any sick kid’s right to be pampered. The after effects however, well, they’re not fun. He’s adopted a pretty sassy attitude, and when usually it’s nipped in the bud with a firm warnings and follow-throughs (we tell him, “That’s 1,” and when he gets to 3, it’s time out.), he decided that he didn’t have to do what I told him, including going to time out.

Add on top of that, Jocelyn, my angel girl who when I think about how many tantrums Ethan had at her age, I marvel that she belongs to us.. could our genes have produced such a nonchalent, easy going little girl? The mind boggles.. Well, the other shoe dropped. All of a sudden, she will start whining and pitching a fit to get what she wants, which is a natural consequence of her getting what she wanted all the time by “UH UH UH UH”ing and pointing. It’s finally clicked in her mind that if she fusses, she’ll get what she wants, and the more the fuss, the faster what she wants will be obtained.

So, EVERY LITTLE THING. I swear, every two minutes, she’ll start hollering and whining, “UH UH UH UH UH!! NOOOOOOO!” and often throw herself on the floor in tears if whatever object she wants isn’t handed to her within 2 seconds. Breakfast was a prime example, I thought, what fun it would be to make waffles.. which used to be a staple around our house on the weekends, and was always lots of fun with kids helping and whatnot, but it was the breakfast from hell. Jocelyn demanding everything at the maximum volume possible, and Ethan trying to outdo her and get my attention. At one point, Jocelyn is screaming, and I’m trying to reason with her and get her to ask nicely, and Ethan is trying to show me something started random siren noises while holding something right in my face and I thought my head was going to explode.

That was just breakfast.

After breakfast, I took the kids to Lowe’s, to buy paint (we’re painting a room in the basement that was recently finished by our contractor) and to Target to get a birthday present. I knew I should have had the color all picked out before I went there, because mulling over paint colors with two tantruming, and COMPETING toddlers is just not fun. Not fun for me, not fun for other customers, just plain not fun. Jocelyn pulling her stunt at least once every five minute period which required me to say, calmly and collectedly, “Jocelyn, what is it you want? Use your words, say please.” about A ZILLION TIMES TODAY has just about driven me to the brink of insanity.

Thank god for vodka.

The spanking happened at lunchtime. Ethan is a very picky eater. He decides he does not like something, and then doesn’t eat it, even if he has never tasted it before. So we have a pretty good rule that he has to have a taste of it, and then he can have something else. Well, we had some chicken noodle soup for lunch, and he instantly would not say a word, and when I told him he had to have a taste of the noodles in order for me to get him seomthing else, he didn’t even say anything, he laid, tummy down, on his chair with his head hanging down toward the floor. Long story short, he started to cop his attitude with me which I wasn’t about to tolerate, and when I told him to go to timeout, he shouted, “NO I DONT HAVE TO!” and various related thoughts at me. The whole ugly scene finished with me hauling him up to his room and spanking him pretty thoroughly. Then I went downstairs and tried not to cry.

The rest of the day went a bit better. After (a non-sleeping) naptime, we went to our neighbor kid’s 2 year old birthday party at the Little Gym, which was exhausting, running around making sure no one broke their skulls, but in the good way when they’re running, playing and having the time of their lives. I was especially amused when the playtime was over, and the eating of pizza and cake took place. Jocelyn is our good eater, and Ethan is our picky picky eater, and the roles were definitely reversed. Ethan ate most of his pizza, and kept running over to the food table for vegetables, including cherry tomatoes, which he thought were grapes. The look on his face when he ate one was priceless, and he unceremoniously dumped the rest of them on my plate as he said, as if I had tricked him, “THESE ARE TOMATOES!!” Jocelyn loves tomatoes, and pizza, but had maybe 2 bites of everything, telling me, “No, mommy!” quite insistently whenever I offered her anything. She got over it when cake time rolled around.

There is one good thing about today (besides the vodka and the fact that the 2 kids are in bed), and that is I lost a little over 3 pounds this week. And when I was getting dressed this morning, I glanced at my skinny jeans, thought, why not? And they fit, not perfectly, but tolerably well – well enough to wear today. It sucked though, because I popped out of bed at an ungodly hour thinking, “I’ll go to the EARLY weight watcher’s meeting!” which I thought was at 7.30. Which is when I arrived. And is also when it actually ENDED. Bugger bugger bugger. It kind of pissed me off, and probably set the tone for the whole day. I think I’m going to stop going to WW meetings for a while. I hate getting up on saturday mornings, and I think I do the same whether I go or not, so we’ll see. I can always start going again if I want.

I should probably go downstairs and help paint. Yay. Paint fumes. I hope my nose doesn’t revolt.

– amy should have picked the blue pill.

Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated, although, work has recently tried to kill me with work. I got handed something on Friday afternoon and then was surprised on Sunday evening by someone assuming I had handed out assignments and worked on it all weekend, when I had partied, auto showed, and weight watch meeting-ed. So, I spent Sunday, and every evening since doing work related things while Gilmore Girls is playing on the telly, instead of doing fun blog (reading the massive bloglist, as well as writing) related things while watching Gilmore Girls on the telly.

And then to top it all off, Ethan turned up feverish on Monday night, and his internal temperature continued to rise back up every time the ibuprofen or Tylenol wore off for the next 2 days, sometimes with drastic results (heat rash, poor poor boy). Tuesday I stayed home with him while trying to continue to work on aforementioned project. I also took him to the doctor and learned how to feel for swollen glands. For some reason I always thought that it was just puffy swollenness, but it isn’t. It is like feel a little pea under the skin, just under the jaw. Very weird. I had no idea those glands were so small. Antibiotics were prescribed, Target was visited, medicine procured. The doctor did warn me that it could take a few days for his fever to go down, since the infection was in the throat and sinuses. Apparently, it’s tougher in there? Or something?

Anyway, Ethan has had a rough couple of days. On Tuesday when I went up at the end of his naptime, he was burning up. BURNING UP. I was really frightened. I took him out of bed and into my bathroom and got him into the tub. It’s supposed to be one of the things that can bring a fever down, get into water around 99 degrees and sit in it for a while. I also gave him Tylenol, of course, and soon he was doing much better. I didn’t even realize how bad it must have been until later, when I noticed a reddish coloring on his forehead which was a heat rash from the fever. Yikes. It’s gone now though. He needed some drugs halfway through the night on Tuesday (last night), but morning came and no medicine was required! Progress! James stayed home with him today, and except for a little rise in temperature around mid-day, Ethan is much improved. If tonight goes with no fever, he can go to school tomorrow. Which will be good, because neither James or I can really take much work off. I don’t have any vacation time, and James is in the last few days of his current job, when he is trying to impart all his knowledge to others. It’s been a rough winter for sickness in this house. I hope we can all get healthy and stay healthy for a while.

This weekend was pretty busy also. Busy, but fun.

I can’t remember if we did anything Friday. Saturday I went to my weight watcher’s meeting (down 2 lbs! I’ll remake my project skinny page soon, i swear) and then went home so that James could go pee in a cup for the reassurance of his soon-to-be employer. Saturday night our trusty babysitter came, Jocelyn took one look at her and wailed, we left, and according to the babysitter, she stopped crying before we had even got out of the driveway. Much partying and playing of Ms. Pac-man was had at Tamara’s birthday party (I need Ms. Pac-man. In my home. Today.)

Oh, and then there was the biggie. Not like, of importance (Tamara, you’re not being out-importanced!) Biggie as in, biggie stressful, biggie expenditure of effort, BIGGIE BIGGIE! We went to the DC auto show. WITH OUR CHILDREN!!! It’s at the DC convention center, on two massive levels, and there are approximately, then quadrizillion people there. After about an hour, I turned to Chris and James and said, “I just want to go on the record, when we lose Ethan before the end of the day, I knew it was going to happen.” It was exhausting. And not just for the parents, for the kiddos too. As was displayed to us, and to all quadrizillion people who walked by and witnessed Ethan prostrate on the ground in the midst of a full on tantrum. Didn’t want to walk, refused to get in the stroller, wouldn’t get on Daddy’s shoulders. Just had a little break down in the midst of the convention. First I left him alone (sat down near him) and let him get some of his frustration out, and then I wrestled him into the stroller and went walking. Took him down to the first level, where all the race cars were. That was kind of funny, because he would STARE at them, and then sort of remember that he was in tantrum mode, and cry some more, and then forget and STARE at all the race cars. THEN, I found a little RC race track where they were selling spots at the controls for $4 bucks a pop and he completely forgot as we watched the cars go around and around.

We tried to hurry and see the last few cars we wanted to see and then skedaddled out of there for the over an hour trip back to our burb-land. It was EXHAUSTING. We agreed that maybe we’d try again when they’re 42, and 40. The rest of Sunday we drank heavily to try to dull the pain.

So, there you go, a very rambling entry, but at least now that I’ve gotten all the wheres whys and howtofores out of my system, next entry I can tell you all about my musings on my bladder, and how I believe I’ve lost the ability to tell when it’s full. (quick hint: pregnancy.) I bet you can’t wait.

– amy

1. I sprayed my oven with oven cleaner exactly 1 week and 1 day ago, and still have not done the scant 15 minute job of wiping all the greasy gook out of it. Which means we can’t use the oven. Many chicken nuggets and french fries breath a sigh of relief each night that they are granted another day’s reprieve. I think this item could be expanded to include all the many things on my “todo” list that I haven’t done, and probably won’t do for a while. Not major things, like “paint the upstairs hallway,” but minor things, like “send care package to friend in Korea.”
2. Wearing dishwashing gloves when I work in the kitchen. There’s no real reason to feel “guilty” about this, and sometimes I don’t, I feel all retro and like some smiling 50s mom in an ad, all is missing is a 28″ waist, an apron, high heels, pearl necklace and make-up. (OK, lots of stuff is missing.) But sometimes I just feel guilty, like I should just plunge my hands in the water and not worry about the pruney-ness.
3. Dropping my son off at pre-school on my way to work.
4. Putting the kids to bed, after I’ve only seen then for a few hours after we all get home. Sometimes only 1 hour. Not only guilty, but sad. Then guilty for feeling glad that they’re in bed and I can veg out in peace.
5. Not exercising. Too cold, too busy, too much time away from my kids who I don’t see enough already.. too many excuses. Guilt.
6. Eating McDonald’s egg mcmuffin for breakfast on my way to work. I shouldn’t feel guilty, because I don’t eat hashbrowns and it’s 6 points which is very reasonable. I still feel guilty though. I mean, McDonald’s for crying out loud! An Egg! Every Single Day! I can hear you GASPING all the way over here! OH THE GUILT IT’S STAGGERING!
7. Having a messy house. Being messy. Given a choice whether to sit with my laptop/ book/ TV or cleaning the kitchen.. Guess which one wins 9 times out of 10? I feel guilty while I sit and read Mimi Smartypants, or watch Gilmore Girls. (I bet Ms. Pants would be aghast at being grouped in the same paragraph. Sorry, mimi.)
8. Wanting a new ______. There are several things I want and have been pining for of which I have perfectly versions of that work just fine, and yet I want the sleeker, upgraded, newer, version. Wasteful, and I hate being Wasteful.
9. Around Christmas, I bought James a book on cd along with some other item which I can’t remember, and when I got home, I realized that they didn’t charge me for the other item. I hate inadvertently stealing, and I usually go and correct them, but I didn’t. Still bugs me though.
10. Wouldn’t it be nice if this list ended on 10? I can’t think of anything else.

I should really get over myself, shouldn’t I?

I’ll put that on my to do list. “Get over yourself.”

I’ll get right on that.

– amy has fun plans this weekend. she will fill you in later.

I’m going to be whiney now, just so you’re forewarned. If you don’t feel like nodding your head, muttering “uh-huh .. that sucks..” and pretending to play the world’s smallest violin behind your back, then feel free to move on.

I have to totally sympathize with my friend Chris about the suckage that is auto repairs. James’ car went into the shop yesterday because the window doesn’t roll down, and his engine light (according to him) has been going on and off for years. We knew the damage wasn’t going to be good, and yes, saying goodby to $850, while it isn’t the say as sticking a hot poker in your eye socket, I think that it may come close. This coming on the tail of spending $450 on MY vehicle earlier this month. Fuckity fuck.

It’ll be nice to actually roll the window up in his car, though. Comes in handy in the brisk wintery air. Also when you’re toodling through a drive-through window be it food or bank related.

So, remember the big thug of illness that was waiting to take me out last week? I managed to keep him at bay, never really getting sick. Instead, I just got a canker sore in my mouth that started out ok, because it’s WAY up where my gums meet the inside of my cheek, and really, it’s so far up that it doesn’t really hurt much, until THIS week, when it feels like all my teeth are going to fall out, and when I run my tongue along the cankery cankerness, it feels like it’s 1/4 of an inch long. I remember when I was a kid, my brother used to take rock salt and hold it RIGHT ON his canker sores to make them go away. Yes, it does help make them go away, BUT IT’S PUTTING SALT ON A WOUND AND IT KILLS. I’ve been gargling with hot salt water to help make it go away, and the first night I did it, James thought the noise I made was the death-gasp of a rapid beast.

Still, on the scale of illness, it is just a canker sore. So really, I’m not doing too badly. Except that I wrenched something in my back and it seems to affect every other muscle in my body including my ARM WHEN I TYPE. I type a lot, people. Sit at my desk at work and typity type type click click. That’s what I do. That’s a lot of pain. I’m glad I have the merciful muscle relaxers.

And now, here is the part where I really get all scroogey. You are all going to hate me and think I’m a heartless bitch who will deserve her place in hell when her time comes, and you’d probably be right. James and his sister have a black labrador that they have had since they were both in college. Sometimes my sister-in-law has her, and sometimes we have her. We have a dog-share, really. As the S-I-L is going to have a baby any minute now, we currently have the dog. Her name is Cydney. She’s getting on in years now, and she’s a very sweet, very obedient dog. She really is.

However, due to the single cup of food she gets each morning and again at night, she feels she has to scavenge for food on her own in between these times. She has this insatiable hunger which causes her to do things that no sane dog would do.

Like,

• root through my purse because she can smell the pack of gum in it, get it out, gnaw off the outside wrapper, and eat the gum (paper wrapper still on).
• Eat food off the table that I’d just prepared, while I am in the bathroom, NOT FIVE FEET AWAY.
• Eat any food, or anything resembling food off the counter if it is left out. Including bananas, with most of the peel.
• Eat cat shit out of the litter box. (!!!)
• Eat used diapers. (!!!)
• Eat used sanitary napkins. (!!!!!!!!!)

Of course, when she eats all this random shit, like the diaper innards that she consumed on Tuesday, she gets sick and vomits it back up. I tell my husband that we’re never getting new carpet because what would be the point? It would just get ruined by either vomit, piss, or cat scratching. Last night she stealth vomited. I was sitting on the couch working all day long, I got up and went to the bathroom and when I came back there was vomit under the table next to the couch. James cleaned it up because at this point, unless it’s going to be hours until James can do it, I am not cleaning up vomit. He tried to use his super forensic powers to determine WHAT she ate THIS TIME, because there was no tale tell evidence to give us any clues, but to no avail. Mystery vomit. Yay.
The cats also drive me crazy. All they do is hang around all day, pee in the laundry, or my bathroom rugs, or on my son’s backpack, or anywhere that there is material/cloth on the floor, and meow and get RIGHT IN MY WAY as I’m trying to get something done. Trinity is the primary antagonist. Friday scratches the shit out of the carpets, especially on the stairs where they are essentially ruined, though Trinity helps out in that area also. I think Agfa is the only kitty innocent of these crimes in my household, and for that, I love her. The others are free to a good home. Or not so good home. Just get them out of mine. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to have a laundry room floor that’s nice and clean and not ALWAYS skittered all over with litter. I dream of not having to scoop someone elses’ shit out of a gravelly box. I dream of not having to COVER UP someone elses’ shit because instead of covering it up, they throw litter over the side of the cat box instead.

I remember when I was little and I or my siblings would beg my parents for a cat or dog. My father of course, would always say, “Ask your mother.” and my mother would always say no. She must have caved in sometimes, because we did have 2 kittens when I was little, and an older cat (one of the kittens) and various dogs when I was older, but I still remember her reasoning, when we’d beg her. They make a mess, they ruin furniture and carpeting, and she will end up being the one who takes care of them.

It sounds familiar. I didn’t realize she was right, back then, but she was right all along. Oh yes. When our house is finally rid of animals.. I promise, there won’t be any others coming in in a long, long time.

The dog doesn’t belong to me, but anyone care for a cat or two?

I’m actually in a fairly good mood today, but I just had to get all that out.

– grumpy ms. grumperstein hollers at you to STAY OFF HER LAWN, DAMMIT.