My mother loves to do laundry. So she REALLY loves to come to my house, because there’s always a ton of laundry stacked up, both to do, and to put away. She mentioned to me how she thought there was a mouse in our laundry room when she was here, but I didn’t really think about it, because the cat litter box is in there, and sometimes the scratchign around they do could be taken for a mouse.

Then she said that our dryer isn’t working.

There’s been an awful lot of bird poop on our driveway. And even a broken, very soft blue eggshell.

Some birds have been trying to make a home in our dryer vent.

James unhooked the vent and it was STUFFED full of twigs, straw, what-have-you nest makings. He dumped it out in the trash (no eggs, thank goodness) and hooked it back up, but Saturday morning, I awoke to the twittering and scratching around to definite bird-in-the-dryer-tube noises.

Ethan was awake so we opened the window shade that looks right out to the vent from our laundry room, and saw the bird fly in and out a few times. Then he spotted us watching him and stayed away for a while.

We also have birds nesting in .. I guess the gutters right above Jocelyn’s window. It is pretty frustrating because when we bought the house, our inspector pointed this particular spot out, and said, “You need to get that closed off or you’ll have bird problems.” Our builder refused to do anything about it, and we neglected to do anything, and now, sure enough, we have bird tenants. I don’t mind that, of course, and I think we’ll leave it until fall, and then go up and screen it off somehow.

But birds in my dryer venting tube, this, I can’t really accept. I need my dryer. I dry things in my dryer. We dumped the tube out again (again, no eggs, please birds, don’t lay eggs!) but this morning, once again, I heard them busily filling my dryer tube with nest stuff. Yesterday I went to Lowes and got a nifty vent thing with a plastic cage that would block them from entering. The problem is it has to be installed on the outside of the house, and our ladder isn’t tall enough. So, buy another ladder (NO ROOM!!!) or hire someone. Or see if friends have a crazy tall ladder we could borrow (anyone have a crazy tall ladder we could borrow?)

I REALLY hope they don’t/haven’t laid eggs in there. We can watch for them as we’re emptying our dryer tube, but what would we do with them if we find them? I don’t want to hurt or abscond with some poor birds’ eggs!

Anyway. Those are our unwanted tenants… And it’s about eviction time. I have a pile of laundry to do.

-amy

you must go visit this site:

http://www.yogabeans.com/

It’s a hoot.

I totally get sucked into things at costco.

I usually can’t make it out of there w/out spending $100, so lately I haven’t been going except for the absolutely necessities. Like those Costco rolls, they are like a little roll of heaven, they’re so good. They are a necessary part of The Ride Home From School, when everyone (ok Jocelyn) is fussy and hungry. I wouldn’t dare show up to get my kids without some sort of snack. I would be in hell (even more so than usual) on the way home. So Costco rolls = necessity. So is soy milk. Kirkland branded Silk vanilla, which is what Milk! INtolerant! girl Jocelyn drinks. ANYWAY.

So yesterday before gettign the kids, I stopped at Costco. I went in for rolls, and right there in the front, they had …. ipods. I think they had the nano, but my eyes went right to the video, which they had in black and white.

I kept thinking, “It’s under $300.” (it was like, $289.)

Then I kept thinking, “they don’t have the 60gig.”

And then I thought, “My entire hard drive is 30 gigs and I still haven’t filled it, and that’s including programs and shit.”

And then…? I didn’t think, I just grabbed it and went in search of rolls.

Do tivo shows play on video ipods yet? Because suddenly, I actually care 🙂

– amy wishes they made a purple iskin.

I stayed home and worked yesterday because I just felt kind of run down and needed a working in your jammies kind of day. I actually got quite a bit done and was feeling pretty good.

Then at 1am last night, I awoke with an urgent need. Oh yes, the urgent need to vomit. And so crawl to the bathroom I did (i have never been more happy that we have cleaning ladies as when I was sitting in that bathroom alternately clutching the porcelain and spewing out my stomach’s innards, and curled up in a fetal ball on the floor) and puked and shivered and puked some more.

the kind man who sleeps in the same room as me heard my feeble cries and came and brought me tylenol, ginger ale, and more blankies. The tylenol and the ginger ale didn’t last long in me (i drank them way way too quickly) and after a fruitless bath to try to stop the shivering, I climbed back into bed to shiver, now WET, underneath the mountain of blankets. The trash can came in handy, when the rest of the ginger ale was evicted.

So now, here I am at home, hoping the folks at home don’t think I am just playing hooky (I’m sick! I really am!) feeling miserable and scared to eat or drink anything for fear of it coming back up. I’m taking small sips of water and gingerale and seem to be tolerating it OK.

I wonder where this came from, honestly, because I was fine and dandy yesterday. James fetched us Subway for dinner, and I’d hate to think it was food poisoning somehow. I just hope it clear up soon.

So. that’s me. Sick. Wish me luck in my porceain adventures.

-amy pleads, “don’t let the kids get sick, don’t let the kids get sick, don’t let the kids get sick, don’t let the kids get sick!”

“LIGHTEN UP IT’S JUST FAAAAAAAAASHION!”

And let’s not forget the Santino Tim impressions.

“Up until now, you’ve all fucking sucked.”

“What happened to Andre?”

Yesterday when I arrived at the door of Subway to grab a (only 7 pts!) 6″ turkey on wheat piled with veggies, I was aghast to see a “CLOSED – WATCH FOR OUR NEW LOOK!” sign in the window. Further inspection found that the inside had been completely gutted. Looks like Subway for lunch is out for a while.

James used to work in this area, and when I first had my interview here, the first thing he said was how he had a little place he used to stop and get breakfast (a egg, ham & cheese sandwich), and “it was soooooo goood.” Well, I thought, why not, I’ll find out from James where it is, and go check it out.

I called him up, and due to the lack of speakerphone and the lack of an automatic in my truck, had some trouble just talking to him while trying to steer and shift all at the same time (this girls needs some bluetooth headphone LOVE) as he tried to recall street names. He was also sitting down to lunch with a couple of other friends who also worked at the same place that James worked. So I heard them start to pipe in, “Yeah, that one road in between Lee highway and 66..” I heard Kurt say.

“Treetop.” I said into the phone, and turned that direction, heading back towards my office.

“Yeah, there’s an office building kind of on that corner, but a little further down, and the place is in the loggy of th–”

“He’s talking about Cafe Speedy?” I asked James in disbelief.

James: “Yeah, Cafe Speedy, that was the place. Man I loved that place.”

Me, Staring AT MY OWN OFFICE BUILDING: “James, Cafe Speedy is in the lobby of THE BUILDING WHERE I WORK.”

…

Dorks drove me around back to my own office building. I nearly dislocated my shouder talking and turning and shifting all at once. James has even been to my office before, and never clued in that the cafe he used to eat at was at the same place.

… it is still important to make sure your shirt is on inside IN.

That’s right, I’m sitting here at work, it is well into the morning, and I JUST REALIZED that my shirt is inside out.

I am such a dork.

Ok, well, not really, though I *would* make out with her in a darkened bathroom if we both happened to be there and she were so inclined.

But I digress. I got all bloggy and addicted with blogginess* last year and was reading reading reading lots of BLOGS and sucking up all the archives and being cross references to all sorts of others and growing growing growing the whole bloglist when I came across hers and promptly died laughing and became more addicted than ever.

* Doesn’t that word suck? Don’t you just cringe when I say it? BLOGGY BLOGGY BLOGGY! I said it more in that paragraph, just for the cringe factor.

I read all her recent posts as they come out, but I also started at her very first post and have been reading through them all in order. This has been going on for a couple months now. She started in 1999, and is a prolific writer (to my immense joy!) However, in the back of my mind, as I’ve been reading through year 2003, I have been kind of eagerly awaiting getting up to where she and her husband decide to/talk about adopt their daughter, Nora.

And TODAY, I have gotten to that post!

So to celebrate the milestone, I would like to share with you the list of items that would be suitable to give to mimi, if you happened to be visiting on some holiday which required presents, or even if you just wanted to be a nice guest and surprise your hostess with a little gift. You will also realize as you read this, that I am a big fan of all things “smarty,” but let me assure you, I am not of the stalker variety (James would argue with me on this point, but shoosh, husband-talking-in-my-head.)

I’ll stop telling you what you are about to feel, and get on with it.

THINGS TO GIVE TO MIMI SMARTYPANTS, SHOULD THE OCCASION BE PRESENTED:

FOOD ITEMS, REAL OR OTHERWISE:

gummy worms
wheat thins
mopey lemon poppyseed muffin
(for LT:) frosting and miniature chocolate chips

OTHER ITEMS SHAPED LIKE FOOD:

a cd player in the shape of a hamburger
a singing apple with headphones

CLOTHING:

t-shirt that states: It takes me forever to make a sandwich
t-shirt that states: GRAVY BOAT STAY IN THE NOW!
a giant novelty afro wig
a still life painting, with a stapler and a fried egg portrayed.
fake lobster hands
fake incredible hulk hands

HOUSEHOLD ITEMS:

a bottle of febreeze
a self-inking stamp that says, “TASTY” or “LAME” (for lost pet flyers, or bad band posters)

MISCELANEOUS ITEMS:

a karaoke tape of Foreigner’s “Hot Blooded”
a severed head*

* It’s important to note that the severed head is not a “gift”, but something Mimi would like to find herself. Go read about it yourself.

So.. once again, I must remind you that no, I’m not of the stalker variety. I’ve just laughed out loud so many times that I *cough* started keeping a list, JUST IN CASE I ever meet mimi in person, I’d like to casually pass her a stapler with “GRAVY BOAT STAY IN THE NOW!” emblazoned on it.

I once indulged in quite a bit of mimi reading right before bed, and had a dream that I met her. I don’t remember much of it, but in the dream, she told me her real name and her husband’s, and I asked her why she calls him “LT” in the dream (which to me, always makes me think lieutenant). She said that it was because she was originally going to LINK TO his website, and so it stood for LINK TO. LT = LINK TO. How dumb is my subconscious? Jeepers.

James has been subjected to many aloud readings of Ms. Pants, but he usually enjoys them, after he’s done being irritated after I interupt him. As a result, when he’s working at home and decides to go make lunch, I’ll get a little IM window that announces, “I like things that are many and boiled!” which comes from a particularly memorable post, which you must go read right now. You know you want to. It has a llama puppet in it, so just go already. Llama puppet! LLAMA PUPPET!
Freaky fan-dom post over now. bye.

I’m going to be whiney now, just so you’re forewarned. If you don’t feel like nodding your head, muttering “uh-huh .. that sucks..” and pretending to play the world’s smallest violin behind your back, then feel free to move on.

I have to totally sympathize with my friend Chris about the suckage that is auto repairs. James’ car went into the shop yesterday because the window doesn’t roll down, and his engine light (according to him) has been going on and off for years. We knew the damage wasn’t going to be good, and yes, saying goodby to $850, while it isn’t the say as sticking a hot poker in your eye socket, I think that it may come close. This coming on the tail of spending $450 on MY vehicle earlier this month. Fuckity fuck.

It’ll be nice to actually roll the window up in his car, though. Comes in handy in the brisk wintery air. Also when you’re toodling through a drive-through window be it food or bank related.

So, remember the big thug of illness that was waiting to take me out last week? I managed to keep him at bay, never really getting sick. Instead, I just got a canker sore in my mouth that started out ok, because it’s WAY up where my gums meet the inside of my cheek, and really, it’s so far up that it doesn’t really hurt much, until THIS week, when it feels like all my teeth are going to fall out, and when I run my tongue along the cankery cankerness, it feels like it’s 1/4 of an inch long. I remember when I was a kid, my brother used to take rock salt and hold it RIGHT ON his canker sores to make them go away. Yes, it does help make them go away, BUT IT’S PUTTING SALT ON A WOUND AND IT KILLS. I’ve been gargling with hot salt water to help make it go away, and the first night I did it, James thought the noise I made was the death-gasp of a rapid beast.

Still, on the scale of illness, it is just a canker sore. So really, I’m not doing too badly. Except that I wrenched something in my back and it seems to affect every other muscle in my body including my ARM WHEN I TYPE. I type a lot, people. Sit at my desk at work and typity type type click click. That’s what I do. That’s a lot of pain. I’m glad I have the merciful muscle relaxers.

And now, here is the part where I really get all scroogey. You are all going to hate me and think I’m a heartless bitch who will deserve her place in hell when her time comes, and you’d probably be right. James and his sister have a black labrador that they have had since they were both in college. Sometimes my sister-in-law has her, and sometimes we have her. We have a dog-share, really. As the S-I-L is going to have a baby any minute now, we currently have the dog. Her name is Cydney. She’s getting on in years now, and she’s a very sweet, very obedient dog. She really is.

However, due to the single cup of food she gets each morning and again at night, she feels she has to scavenge for food on her own in between these times. She has this insatiable hunger which causes her to do things that no sane dog would do.

Like,

• root through my purse because she can smell the pack of gum in it, get it out, gnaw off the outside wrapper, and eat the gum (paper wrapper still on).
• Eat food off the table that I’d just prepared, while I am in the bathroom, NOT FIVE FEET AWAY.
• Eat any food, or anything resembling food off the counter if it is left out. Including bananas, with most of the peel.
• Eat cat shit out of the litter box. (!!!)
• Eat used diapers. (!!!)
• Eat used sanitary napkins. (!!!!!!!!!)

Of course, when she eats all this random shit, like the diaper innards that she consumed on Tuesday, she gets sick and vomits it back up. I tell my husband that we’re never getting new carpet because what would be the point? It would just get ruined by either vomit, piss, or cat scratching. Last night she stealth vomited. I was sitting on the couch working all day long, I got up and went to the bathroom and when I came back there was vomit under the table next to the couch. James cleaned it up because at this point, unless it’s going to be hours until James can do it, I am not cleaning up vomit. He tried to use his super forensic powers to determine WHAT she ate THIS TIME, because there was no tale tell evidence to give us any clues, but to no avail. Mystery vomit. Yay.
The cats also drive me crazy. All they do is hang around all day, pee in the laundry, or my bathroom rugs, or on my son’s backpack, or anywhere that there is material/cloth on the floor, and meow and get RIGHT IN MY WAY as I’m trying to get something done. Trinity is the primary antagonist. Friday scratches the shit out of the carpets, especially on the stairs where they are essentially ruined, though Trinity helps out in that area also. I think Agfa is the only kitty innocent of these crimes in my household, and for that, I love her. The others are free to a good home. Or not so good home. Just get them out of mine. Sometimes I dream of what it would be like to have a laundry room floor that’s nice and clean and not ALWAYS skittered all over with litter. I dream of not having to scoop someone elses’ shit out of a gravelly box. I dream of not having to COVER UP someone elses’ shit because instead of covering it up, they throw litter over the side of the cat box instead.

I remember when I was little and I or my siblings would beg my parents for a cat or dog. My father of course, would always say, “Ask your mother.” and my mother would always say no. She must have caved in sometimes, because we did have 2 kittens when I was little, and an older cat (one of the kittens) and various dogs when I was older, but I still remember her reasoning, when we’d beg her. They make a mess, they ruin furniture and carpeting, and she will end up being the one who takes care of them.

It sounds familiar. I didn’t realize she was right, back then, but she was right all along. Oh yes. When our house is finally rid of animals.. I promise, there won’t be any others coming in in a long, long time.

The dog doesn’t belong to me, but anyone care for a cat or two?

I’m actually in a fairly good mood today, but I just had to get all that out.

– grumpy ms. grumperstein hollers at you to STAY OFF HER LAWN, DAMMIT.

I remember that Christmas morning. I was eight, and there was only one thing that Santa could bring me that would make me happy. I walked into the living room, and THERE IT WAS! A bright pink HUFFY! With STREAMERS!

Well, I’m no longer eight, and I REALLY don’t want pink, but I would like to feel the wind in my hair and the exhilaration of FASTER FASTER FASTER!

I had a great bike in college that got stolen, and I haven’t had anything since.

My brother had the great idea of getting my mom a bike for Christmas. I think the trick to RIDING a bike is having the RIGHT bike, and for her it was to make sure it was comfortable, and easy to use. I’m looking at the same brand of bikes and getting all glinty eyed just thinking about it.

Here is the one I want.

Just kidding. I would LOVE to get that one, but it’s a little over the top, don’t you think? Plus, more than I want to spend, and not enough gears.

This is what I want

I really do want that one, I LOVE IT! But again, not enough gears. *SNIFF* Oh, how we never had the chance to know each other!

No more foolin’, THIS ONE is the one I want:

Too bad it doesn’t have streamers. *SNIFF!* Or daisies! Still, I think this is the winner.
James looks at these a little askance. But honestly, they look like they’re not going to kill my back, be easy to ride, AND BE FUN! And THAT is going to make me want to get back on it, right?

So go ahead, you have your fun at my expense and the kooky weird looking bike that I want. But I still like it 🙂 And my birthday is next month.

It’ll be the Christmas of 1982 all over again!